IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medical care is rapidly increasing, which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to longer
lives
Use synonyms
 and increased life expectancy. Considering that, we have to pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 different perspectives,
either
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 it is good or not. From my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 it is definitely a positive improvement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 health now may easily get better.
From
Change preposition
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, it is quite
banefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 that our wellness may improve,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 we have to pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 things like money and the availability of
this
Linking Words
medicine
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, the treatments are not used as widely as it is possible, because of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
price and problems with transportation.
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 we wouldn’t see just invented
medicine
Use synonyms
 in a governmental hospital.
The
Correct article usage
Medicine
show examples
medicine
Use synonyms
 nowadays is extremely pricey, so it is not affordable for
plain
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
even elderly
people
Use synonyms
 who
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 come to
hospital
Add an article
the hospital
show examples
 to get free medical treatment. There is no point
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 improving
medicine
Use synonyms
 if it does not reach the right
people
Use synonyms
.
From
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand existence of
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 treatments has saved thousands of
lives
Use synonyms
. Society may not complain about it
while
Linking Words
 it simultaneously
saved
Wrong verb form
saves
show examples
 human beings. Despite all
problems
Correct article usage
the problems
show examples
 of modern
medicine
Use synonyms
, worldwide doctors are doing everything
that is
Linking Words
 possible to save different-aged
lives
Use synonyms
.
Consider
Wrong verb form
Considering
show examples
 that the modern inventions in
this
Linking Words
 sphere are not always as costly as they might be, anyways they are used in every hospital now. It is the most important part of the improvement. Of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
medical care. From my point of view, it is extremely helpful that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
medicine
Use synonyms
 is improving and helping save
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
lives
Use synonyms
. The only
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
negative thing
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 it is still not as affordable as it should be, each human being has a right to get
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 medical help.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly states your opinion on the advantages outweighing the disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Provide clearer transitions and connect your ideas more logically between paragraphs.
task achievement
Improve the specificity of examples to strengthen your arguments.
content
Your essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic and relevant issues.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • elderly population
  • health care systems
  • pension funds
  • extended family relationships
  • quality of life
  • aging population
  • economic growth
  • volunteer work
  • expertise
  • financial planning
  • retirement
  • age-related diseases
  • medical research
  • healthier lifestyles
What to do next:
Look at other essays: