IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays more and more young people hold the important position in the government. Some people think that it is good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. Discuss both these and give your opinions

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There is no denying the fact that nowadays more and more young people are holding important positions in
government
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.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that their fresh perspectives and innovative ideas can revitalize political systems, there is
also
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 an argument that young leaders may lack the
experience
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 necessary for effective governance.
This
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 essay will analyze
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, young
government
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 officials bring energy and innovative ideas that can greatly benefit policymaking.
That is
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 to say, their familiarity with modern technology and global trends enables them to introduce new approaches to long-standing problems.
In addition
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, young leaders tend to be more open-minded and willing to embrace reform, which can lead to positive changes in society.
For example
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, in countries like Estonia, youthful leaders have successfully implemented digital initiatives that streamlined public services and increased
government
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 efficiency.
This
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 demonstrates that the inclusion of young people in
government
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 can drive progress and modernize public administration.
On the other hand
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, some argue that youth in high
government
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 positions might lack the
experience
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 required to deal with complex political issues. It can
also
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 be argued that their limited exposure to historical and socio-political challenges may result in overly idealistic policies that are not practical.
Moreover
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,
experience
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 is often crucial for understanding the long-term impacts of decisions, and in its absence, mistakes may be made.
For instance
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, in certain cases, young officials have been criticized for failing to anticipate the consequences of rapid reforms, which has led to policy reversals and public dissatisfaction. These concerns highlight that
experience
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 and maturity are important qualities for effective leadership. In conclusion,
although
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 both sides present valid arguments, I believe that young people in
government
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 can be a positive force if they are supported by experienced advisors. Their fresh perspectives and enthusiasm for change can drive progress, provided that their inexperience is balanced by sound guidance.

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task achievement
Consider providing a more explicit example of how young leaders have implemented specific policies in different contexts, as this would enhance the clarity and depth of your arguments.
task achievement
Expand on the counter-arguments, perhaps by adding another viewpoint or example that illustrates the potential pitfalls of youth in politics. This would enrich your analysis and provide a more balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that succinctly introduces the main point, helping guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure there is a clear and logical transition between ideas and paragraphs to improve the flow of the essay. This could involve using linking words effectively.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion and presents a clear thesis statement outlining your intent to analyze both sides of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a good command of vocabulary and grammar, with varied sentence structures and precise language throughout.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples which support your arguments and make the essay engaging and informative, particularly the mention of Estonia's digital initiatives.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • perspectives
  • innovative
  • civic engagement
  • voter turnout
  • relatable
  • experience
  • wisdom
  • navigate
  • complex
  • prioritize
  • long-term strategies
  • collaborative efforts
  • public life
  • short-term solutions
  • social media
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