IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

is living longer a better sitation in the societ? what can it brings, what do you think

There is a hot topic about
people
Use synonyms
 living longer and longer.Some
people
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 think
this
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 is a good thing, because the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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population
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 is good for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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business, the government and the whole
society
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, but others do not think so. First ，the
aging
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ageing
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population
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 can make
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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 develop. As
people
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 live longer and longer, the number of old
people
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 will increase. These old
people
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 have a lot of experience and knowledge, that can make social
development
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.
In addition
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,
th
Correct your spelling
the
 consumption demand of the old
people
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 will
also
Linking Words
 increase., it can
also
Linking Words
 promote the economic
development
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 of
society
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.
Second,
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the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
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 can promote the cultural
development
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 of
society
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. The old
people
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 know many cultural history and life
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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, that can contribute to the cultural
development
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 of
society
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.
For example
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, in my hometown Anhui, only the old
people
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 like my grandparents could speak the local language, and they would teach their children and pass
this
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 culture generation after generation.
However
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, some
people
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 think that
people
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 live longer, which will bring a lot of problems to
society
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.It is a fact that
people
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 live longer and longer,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will lead to the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 of the
population
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.As the old
population
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 increases, the working
population
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 will decrease,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will have a negative impact on social
development
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.
And the
Correct word choice
The
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 life quality and medical service of the old
people
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 will increase,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will lead to
the
Correct article usage
a
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 lack of social resources. My opinion is that I think it is a good thing
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because I think the culture is the most important.The old
people
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 tell us those
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 history, and these cultures will not be forgotten.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your main argument with well-developed ideas.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to strengthen your arguments for balance and clarity. This will enhance your task response.
task achievement
Consider providing a counter-argument or acknowledging the opposing view more thoroughly to enhance your critical thinking.
coherence and cohesion
You have made an effort to discuss both sides of the argument, which shows critical thinking.
task achievement
Your mention of personal experience related to cultural preservation is a strong point and adds to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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