IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Shopping is the favorite pastime for most of the young people. Why do you think is that? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities?

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There are lots of varieties how to deal with negative emotions, thoughts, stress or even more, depression, and one of the ways is shopping. Nowadays, going to the shopping mall is getting increasingly popular among the young generation yet there are some reasons for
this
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 phenomenon.
However
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, there are a number of hobbies that can replace shopping with their more useful benefits. Some people believe that shopping is therapeutic because it can help to abstract and get pleasure from
well spent
Add a hyphen
well-spent
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 time by obtaining something new. Scientists have proven that when people are going to make purchases, serotonin (the hormone of happiness) is produced which helps to get rid of negativity.
But
Correct word choice
On
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on the other hand
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, it is not appropriate for everyone, especially for teenagers and shopaholics who are not familiar with financial literacy and rationality which can cause material problems. In that case, here are some ideas on how to spend leisure time without any harm with more beneficial hobbies.
Firstly
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, sport is one of the most crucial things in human life.
According to
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 scientific research, everyone should spend at least 30 minutes doing exercises outside which may help their respiration system.
Secondly
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, knitting is getting more popular among youngsters and some people believe that it helps them to calm down and concentrate.
To conclude
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,
although
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 some hobbies
such
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 as shopping can assist with anxiety and getting rid of negative thoughts, but do not suit everyone as outdoor activities and knitting do.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction could be more engaging, perhaps by providing a more captivating hook or context for the discussion. Additionally, a clearer thesis statement outlining your main points would enhance the clarity of your argument.
task achievement
While the body paragraphs present some valid points, they could be better developed with more depth and specific examples. For instance, elaborating on how sports improve mental health or providing statistics about the popularity of knitting could strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion is somewhat abrupt. Reiterating your main points in a more developed manner would provide a stronger ending and reinforce your argument. This helps in giving a complete feeling to your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt effectively by discussing both the reasons for young people's love of shopping and the suggestion to engage in other activities.
task achievement
The use of scientific research to support your arguments particularly adds credibility to your points and demonstrates depth of thought.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pastime
  • encouraged
  • useful activities
  • self-expression
  • creativity
  • sense of accomplishment
  • satisfaction
  • social interaction
  • bonding
  • escaping
  • daily routine
  • stress
  • instant gratification
  • pleasure
  • keeping up
  • trends
  • fashion
  • exploring
  • products
  • experiences
  • boosting
  • self-confidence
  • supporting
  • local businesses
  • economy
  • discovering
  • personal style
  • preferences
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