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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that schools should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvements. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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A matter of considerable concern in education is the issue of whether only the students having outstanding academic performances should be rewarded or those showing better improvement.
While
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 I accept that pupils who have achieved the highest score deserve rewards, I am convinced that learners making great academic effort should be praised. On the one hand, there are some compelling reasons why people might argue that pupils’ excellent performance should be acknowledged. First and foremost,
this
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 could create a fair and competitive studying environment at school.
As a result
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,
school children
Correct your spelling
schoolchildren
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 are likely to be encouraged to learn and reach the best scores. What’s more, children with innate abilities or outstanding performance can be discovered by applying
this
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 approach. My high school,
for instance
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, chooses top achievers with the best results for extra classes to develop their capabilities In science and take them to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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national competitions.
On the other hand
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, I firmly believe that offering encouragement to those trying hard is superior. The first advantage is that it creates an equal opportunity for each student to be given rewards, rather than focusing on the top-tier learners.
Therefore
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,
instead
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 of being disappointed once competing with their excellent peers, these children will feel motivated if their impressive progress in learning is recognized.
In addition
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, the recognition from schools can foster pupils’ curiosity.
In other words
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, students can access the wealth of knowledge without being under the pressure of credit-driven practice, which pushes learners to thrive for the highest position but
suffers
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffer
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 from anxiety and stress. In conclusion, providing rewards for those who have improved their academic results wins my total support because
this
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 method can boost learning motivation and help underachievers overcome
inferiority
Correct article usage
an inferiority
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 complex.

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task achievement
The introduction clearly presents the topic and your opinion, which is great. However, you could strengthen the thesis statement by explicitly mentioning both views in it.
coherence and cohesion
Your argumentation is logical, but including more transition phrases would enhance the flow from one idea to another.
task achievement
The examples you provided are relevant and support your points well. Consider adding another example for the view supporting improvements to make your argument even more robust.
task achievement
You demonstrate a clear understanding of both sides of the argument, which is commendable. Your ability to present a balanced view contributes to a well-rounded discussion.
coherence and cohesion
The vocabulary used in your essay is varied, and the sentence structures are mostly complex, showing a good command of English.
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