IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are thaught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some people often argue that developing a sense of competition among children should be encouraged,
while
Linking Words
 others strongly advocate that the development of cooperation skills outweighs any other skill in
children
Change noun form
children's
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 development. Kids who grew
in
Change preposition
up in
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 competitive
environment
Fix the agreement mistake
environments
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 become more resistant
against
Change preposition
to
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 any type of bullying in their later
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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, and because of their strong
mental
Add a comma
mental,
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 they outperform in
Use synonyms
sector
Add an article
the sector
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.
However
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, teamwork is
one
Use synonyms
 of the most required skills in the
sector
Use synonyms
, employers prioritize teamwork. In my opinion, cooperation stands out with more advantages. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand,
Use synonyms
sector
Correct article usage
the sector
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 is well-known
with
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for
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 its wildness,
people
Correct word choice
and people
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 lose their morals and ethics when they join
to
Change preposition
apply
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the
sector
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
 it profoundly requires
competition
Correct article usage
a competition
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 mentality. Individuals who grew
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
 a competitive environment
starts
Correct subject-verb agreement
start
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 to their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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one
Use synonyms
 step
further
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. It is worth highlighting that
this
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 growing emotion has some drawbacks, and
one
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 of them is losing
sense
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a sense
the sense
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 of empathy.
Although
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,
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apply
show examples
 people become more resistant
against
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to
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 stress and wildness, they lose their human emotions. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in Wall Street. Brokers and managers usually have no sense of humanity, because they have to think in a pragmatic way
,
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apply
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 since
stock
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the stock
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 market does not care about feelings.
On the other hand
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, teamwork is the most valuable ability for many companies. Particularly, large-cap companies,
such
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 as Coca-Cola and Apple, changed their working style a decade ago. They restructured their work policies, now they become more human-centred. New policies are based on employee motivation, and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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enforces
Verb problem
force
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 employees to engage
different
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in different
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 tasks.
Thus
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, everyone
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
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 knowledgeable in various topics. Specifically, Apple conducts workshops and seminars to inform their engineers about cooperation. All in all, humans who raised in
cooperative
Correct article usage
a cooperative
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 environment are more tend to acquire
a
Correct article usage
apply
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better
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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. The reason behind
is
Correct pronoun usage
this is
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 that innovative
organizations
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organizations are
organizations were
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 prone to promote
gathered
Correct article usage
a gathered
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 working style rather than
harsh
Correct article usage
a harsh
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 competitive working attitude.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider providing clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to enhance logical flow and guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are specific and relevant to the points you are making. For instance, elaborating on how cooperation leads to better job outcomes could strengthen your argument.
task achievement
While your conclusion summarizes your main point, try to reinforce it by restating the key arguments you introduced in the essay.
task achievement
Your introduction presents the two sides of the argument effectively, setting a clear foundation for the discussion.
task achievement
You have a good understanding of the topic and present well-reasoned arguments for both sides, showing a balanced perspective.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • motivation
  • persevere
  • real-world scenarios
  • academic excellence
  • resilience
  • hard work
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • teamwork
  • collaboration
  • social skills
  • empathy
  • sense of community
  • adaptable
  • effective
  • fostering
  • cooperative spirit
  • rounded individuals
  • sharing successes
What to do next:
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