IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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Government recording
people
Use synonyms
's mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 calls should be practice implemented for safety reasons or not is dividing
people
Use synonyms
's opinion, one side arguing it is reasonable one side arguing
phone
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 calls should be private
information
Use synonyms
. In my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 practice is not
ethical
Add an article
an ethical
show examples
 thing to do but if needs to be done they should get permission.
But
Correct word choice
However
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 it could facilitate finding and stopping illegal activities before
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 even
happens
Correct subject-verb agreement
happen
show examples
 without causing any harm.
For example
Linking Words
, it could prevent illegal activities like substance dealings, planned
felony
Fix the agreement mistake
felonies
show examples
 and or even
arsons
Fix the agreement mistake
arson
show examples
. If
this
Linking Words
 act involves one or more
people
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 they should communicate with each other somehow,
phone
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 calls being
common
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the common
show examples
 way they do. So, it will be effective in that field.
Problem
Add an article
The problem
show examples
 comes when they are recording everyone's
phone
Use synonyms
call
Fix the agreement mistake
calls
show examples
. In that
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 it will contradict
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
free speech rights, not being able to express themselves or communicate with other
people
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however
Linking Words
 they want is restricting them from
socializations
Fix the agreement mistake
socialization
show examples
 to some extent.
Also
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should have their own privacy and
possibility
Correct article usage
the possibility
show examples
 of
information
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 they want to keep private being accessed by unwanted third
party
Fix the agreement mistake
parties
show examples
. They could have talked about their medical records, private
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and intimate details of their life during their
phone
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 calls In my
opinion
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opinion,
show examples
 government should have decent reason and evidence for suspicion and accusation and get permission from
organization
Fix the agreement mistake
organizations
show examples
 that could assess whether they should get permission or not. With
intent
Add an article
the intent
show examples
 of gathering more important
information
Use synonyms
 from
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 who is doing suspicious activity, they should get access
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their private mobile
phone
Use synonyms
 call records. For other
reasons
Add a comma
reasons,
show examples
 it will be unethical to access someone's private
information
Use synonyms
.

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structural
Make sure to clearly define the two opposing viewpoints at the beginning of the essay to provide a strong foundation for your arguments. Also, ensure that your conclusion clearly summarizes your perspective.
cohesion
Work on providing clearer transitions between your ideas to enhance the flow of your essay. For instance, using phrases like 'on the other hand' or 'in contrast' can help articulate differing viewpoints more effectively.
content
Consider broadening the range of examples to support your arguments. For instance, include references to studies or statistics about the effects of surveillance on crime rates, or public opinions on the right to privacy.
content
You have demonstrated a clear understanding of the topic and presented your opinion, which is an important aspect of your task achievement.
content
You made an effort to explain the potential benefits of government surveillance, showing an ability to consider different perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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