IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Currently,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of us are spending a significant share of
their
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
 spare
time
Use synonyms
 using
their
Correct pronoun usage
our
show examples
 smartphone. Individuals are using these for entertainment purposes, to connect with
friends
Use synonyms
 or family, for shopping or planning their next vacation or even for searching
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 most profitable investment fund.
Such
Linking Words
 an intense use of gadgets, including during one's free
time
Use synonyms
 could be explained by the reality that humanity is facing, when digitalization
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and public and private services integration go hand-in-hand.
While
Linking Words
 many consider that having and using a smartphone is a must, it is
also
Linking Words
 important to state the fact that it
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a way of living, even strongly shaped by Covid 19 pandemic restrictions.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
phycologists
Correct your spelling
psychologists
show examples
 expressed their opinion that another reason could be the latest people’s desire to escape
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reality and run away from
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 thoughts. It seems to me that
this
Linking Words
 is quite an unhealthy trend, as
this
Linking Words
 limits physical interactions and could lead to serious mental problems. Human beings used to detach from work or
school related
Add a hyphen
school-related
show examples
 frustration by taking long walks, playing social games or
chating
Correct your spelling
chatting
 with
friends
Use synonyms
 over a coffee. Lately, all these habits have been replaced by interminable scrolling
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media, following negative news or playing video games. We are more alone than ever, even with thousands of
friends
Use synonyms
 on Facebook or Instagram. Even the famous Oprah Winfrey declared during one of her interviews that she used to spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 in her digital world as a coping mechanism
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 stress and loneliness. Needless to say,
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
society should revise its habits, and dedicate
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
leisure
time
Use synonyms
 to more grounded activities, like meeting
friends
Use synonyms
 in
park
Add an article
the park
show examples
 or sharing smiles over
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
lunch in a restaurant, rather than living a virtual life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Consider providing a more structured argument in each paragraph to support your points more effectively. Clearly delineate what each paragraph aims to convey.
task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly outlines the main ideas that will be discussed in the essay, which will help in setting expectations for the reader.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples or data to support your claims, as this will strengthen your arguments overall.
task achievement
You have shown a good understanding of the topic, and your essay addresses the relevance of smartphones in modern life.
coherence and cohesion
The vocabulary used is appropriate for the context and demonstrates a good range.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: