IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries an increasing number of children are overweight as a result of eating too much fast food. It is necessary for governments to ban selling this kind of food in schools. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Obesity
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 is a vital
problem
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 that we have to consider in these days. It is getting more and more critical that
effect
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affect
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children
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. They argued that the best way to tackle
this
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problem
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by
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is by
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 eliminating fast
food
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 from vending machines. I totally disagree with
this
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 solution and I will explain more about
this
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 issue. These days we face a huge widespread
problem
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 which is
obesity
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, Body measure index is a measurement for
obesity
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 if it is above 30% means that you have bad fat.
Moreover
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, you are in a dangerous situation.
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Children
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Children's
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 health is the
parent
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parent's
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 responsibility, they have to raise them with good
food
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 habits
for example
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 routine
food
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 style, choosing suitable snacks and beverages, and some fast
food
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 depending on the calories counter. Banning fast
food
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 from school canteens is not a great solution for controlling the overweight
problem
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. Since kids can buy them from a restaurant or supermarket near
to
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apply
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school
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the school
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. Fast foods
such
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 as burgers, fries, chocolate..etc.I believe that one of the good solutions is that we can create a program in school showing the
children
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 how fast
food
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 is bad for our health and not only being fat is the only
problem
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 for
obesity
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 it is lead to blood pressure and high sugar levels. In conclusion,
obesity
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 is a vital
problem
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 that we have to consider and find a solution.
Children
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 are precious, and we must protect them from
obesity
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 via contributions from parents and schools.

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task response
The introduction could be clearer and more directly state your position on the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use punctuation correctly to improve readability and flow, especially in lists and between clauses.
task response
Include specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments and make them more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay addresses the issue of obesity and recognizes the role of parents and schools, which is important.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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