IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphone Why is this the case? Do you think this is positive or negative development?

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In our emergence of the technological era, mobile
phones
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 have become a necessity to each and every individual. These days, even
children
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 are spending most of their
time
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 on
smartphones
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. From my perspective,
this
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 bulging habit in
children
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 needs to be reduced and it should not be encouraged by parents or adults. To commence, in earlier days, the phone is used as a communication device for business deals and to converse in other emergency circumstances. Within
time
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, everyone started owning mobile
phones
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 in the name of prestige irrespective of their actual needs. Nowadays,
children
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 are surrounded by various types of electronic gadgets. Even in schools, the teaching methodology has drastically changed to smart classrooms. Learning has been easy through media and other websites.
Therefore
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, technology is affecting
children
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 in various aspects; they tend to use
smartphones
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 for preparing their assignments, enhancing their knowledge, and communicating with teachers and other students. In
such
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 a way,
smartphones
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 are helping students sufficiently.
On the other hand
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, usage of mobile
phones
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 should be reduced among
children
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.
Although
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 there are many positive sides to
this
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 subject,
children
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 are getting addicted to
smartphones
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. They are spending more amount of
time
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 playing games, surfing social media etc rather than utilising it in a good manner.
Smartphones
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 have made them lazy to play outside on the grounds, lack of meeting and greeting people in person and less in the presence of mind.
For instance
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, the research statistics show that nearly 50% of
children
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 are using prescriptive glasses because of investing more
time
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 in light-emitting devices
such
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 as mobile
phones
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. In conclusion, technology is needed in everyone's life as we are dependent on it,
although
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 it is harmful if consumed unlimited. Parents and adults should advise the kids on its necessities
as well as
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 the drawbacks of more involvement in
smartphones
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.

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Task Achievement
Try to provide a clearer argument in your introduction. For instance, specify why the habit of excessive smartphone use is harmful, giving a brief preview of your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
While your ideas are generally organized well, consider using clearer transitions between points to enhance the flow of the essay. This helps the reader follow your argument more easily.
Task Achievement
In your body paragraphs, aim for more specific examples to support your claims. For example, when talking about laziness, you might mention studies about the benefits of outdoor play versus screen time.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the issue of smartphone use among children, indicating an awareness of the benefits and drawbacks.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the importance of a balanced approach to technology use.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Engrossed
  • Distracted
  • Addictive
  • Digital natives
  • Virtual reality
  • Interactive
  • Online gaming
  • Social media platforms
  • Connectivity
  • Social engagement
  • Information access
  • Learning tools
  • Peer influence
  • Societal pressure
  • Alternative activities
  • Recreational facilities
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