IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that advertising encourages people to buy things they do not need. Others say that advertisements are important information about new products. Discuss both views and give your opinion. (Vu Huyen)

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In the contemporary area,advertising plays a vital role in shaping consumer
behavior
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behaviour
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 and influencing purchasing decisions.
While
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 Some believe that advertising persuades people to acquire groceries they
have
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apply
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a necessity
for
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apply
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,others argue it offers valuable knowledge about new inventions. Two aforementioned views will be discussed thoroughly in the following paragraphs before presenting my personal perspective. On the one hand , there are various reasons why people assume advertisements encourage unnecessary consumption.Numerous corporations consider advertising as a tool that boosts both revenue and profit and a marketing strategy ,
such
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 as the fear of missing out (FOMO), to persuade consumers to purchase impulsive products.
For instance
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, Lemonade Beauty Company exaggerates the effectiveness of its cosmetics by running ads across omni-channels that appeal to almost all females; even if they already have the product or do not need it, they still decide to buy.
On the other hand
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, I am of the opinion that the primary function of advertising is to provide information about new products. The details of commodities in advertisements, with their attractive design, are more straightforward for customers to understand than from salesmen, especially when conveyed by celebrities or influencers, who often move down to earth.
For example
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, advertising for the iPhone assists those who lack sufficient free time to visit a store and receive advice by allowing them to acquire in-depth knowledge of the iPhone's features through celebrity endorsements. In conclusion,
whereas
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 others do think advertising encourages unnecessary consumption , I agree that the main role of advertising is to inform people about new products.

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introduction
The introduction sets the context well and outlines the topics that will be discussed. However, it could be more engaging by rephrasing the hook sentence to capture the reader's interest better. Consider using a statistic or a rhetorical question.
supporting point
In the second paragraph, you mention 'numerous corporations' which is a bit vague. Providing specific examples of such corporations and varying sentence structure could enhance the clarity and depth of your argument.
opinion
The use of 'I am of the opinion' in the transition to your own view could be replaced with a more confident assertion such as 'I believe' to strengthen your position. Additionally, ensure the contrast between the two views is clearly highlighted in the argumentation to improve unity.
conclusion
The conclusion summarizes the main points but could benefit from reiterating the significance of your opinion rather than simply restating it. Try to connect back to the broader implications of your stance.
task response
The essay shows a good understanding of both perspectives on advertising and presents a balanced discussion, which is commendable.
task response
Your use of relevant examples, such as the Lemonade Beauty Company and iPhone advertisements, helps illustrate your points effectively and adds credibility to your argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of ideas between paragraphs is coherent, facilitating easy understanding of the transitions between arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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