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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The two graphs below show the percentage of smokers and the consumption of alcohol in litres in selected countries for the period 1960 - 2000. Umar

The two graphs below show the percentage of smokers and the consumption of alcohol in litres in selected countries for the period 1960 - 2000. Umar
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The two line graphs illustrate information about the percentage of people who smoke and the of alcohol in 1,000
milliliters
Change the spelling
millilitres
show examples
 in chosen
countries
Use synonyms
 from 1960 to 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
,% of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 in
countries
Use synonyms
 who smoke every day ,all of them,decade by decade decreased
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the consumption in litres per person had
rose
Change the verb form
risen
show examples
.Japan and
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 showed similar smoking
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rates . The proportion of smokers in Holland was 40% in 1960 and started to fall slightly,since 1980 went down progressively became the lowest indicator between
countries
Use synonyms
,reaching almost 20% in 2000.
Graph
Correct article usage
The graph
show examples
 represented in the USA during
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 10 years was stable after that decrease gradually at the same time exactly in 1960 Japan
also
Linking Words
 dropped and from 1980 had the same effect less than 50%.The rate of consumption
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 both areas exhibited a mild decline ,approximately more than 30% of smokers. Alcohol consumption for one individual in Holland began to rapidly
rose
Wrong verb form
rise
show examples
 and reached a peak
more
Change preposition
of more
show examples
 than 10
liters
Change the spelling
litres
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
 the highest number in 1980 among
countries
Use synonyms
 .
Linking Words
Nevertheless
Add a comma
Nevertheless,
show examples
 after a result started
marginally
Change preposition
to marginally
show examples
drop
Verb problem
apply
show examples
thereby
got
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 10,000 milliliters.
USA
Correct article usage
The USA
show examples
 increased steadily before 1980,after
tha
Correct your spelling
that
 chart illustrated a gradual reduction and had
8litres
Correct your spelling
8 litres
.Turkey
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
generally
Change the word
general
show examples
 was stable during the given period,
However
Linking Words
 nearly
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
2000 it fluctuated
little
Correct article usage
a little
show examples
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
and went up from 1
millilitres
Change to a singular noun
millilitre
show examples
 to 2 .

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "illustrate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went down" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "stable" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
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