IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries people are now living longer than ever before. Some say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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In a number of countries, the average
life
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 span has increased.Some
people
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 argue that older
people
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 burden the government,
Linking Words
however
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however,
show examples
 others have
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opposite view.
This
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 phenomenon has its benefits and disadvantages. The
predominet
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predominant
predominate
 advantage of having
ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
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 population is that
,
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apply
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 they can provide guidance to younger
people
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 about
life
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,
however
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 when they become very old and poorly, they could strain the health-care system. As individuals progress in
life
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 and grow older, their experience and learning about
life
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 and their respective professions
enhances
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enhance
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,
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as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a
result
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result,
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 they
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 pass on
this
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 treasure to young
people
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of
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. Youngerts can learn patience and wisdom from them.
Linking Words
Additionally
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Additionally,
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 they could mentor their juniors professionally. Physicians and surgeons,
for instance
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, when they stop
practicing
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practising
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,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
start teaching young doctors and surgical residents.
Hence
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 they pass the torch of their knowledge and expertise to the next generation.
This
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 is the greatest advantage of having older
people
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 around young individuals.
Nonetheless
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, older
people
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 exert some degree of pressure on the government resources because as they reach a very old age, most of
such
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 old
people
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 become very sick and mostly
bed ridden
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bedridden
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. I'm order to look after them and provide essential treatments , governments have to spend a lot of money.
Like it's
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It's
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 very common to have mobility issues, heart disease, dementia and other health
proplem
Correct your spelling
problems
problem
 in
olderly
Correct your spelling
elderly
older
.
Due to
Linking Words
which
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
 their health needs impose a challenge to
medical
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the medical
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 system. In
concluded
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conclusion
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, having older populations has its pros and cons, but the amount of knowledge and wisdom they can deliver to the younger individuals of the society is truly valuable and overweights the financial burden caused by their bad health at very old age.

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task achievement
Your essay generally presents a clear argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population. However, ensure that your ideas are fully developed. For example, you mention that older people provide guidance, but you could add more specific examples of how this has positively impacted society.
coherence and cohesion
Improving the logical connection between your paragraphs would enhance the flow of your essay. Consider adding transition phrases to connect the ideas more smoothly. For instance, beginning the second paragraph with 'Firstly' could help clarify that you are listing advantages.
coherence and cohesion
Watch for spelling and typographical errors, such as 'predominet' instead of 'predominant', 'younger' instead of 'youngerts', and 'oldly' instead of 'elderly'. These small mistakes can affect the overall impression of your writing.
task achievement
You successfully outline both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as physicians mentoring young doctors, effectively illustrates your points and enhances the credibility of your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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