Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Nowadays, in the digital era, technological
advencements
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advancements
influence every age group from elders to preschoolers.
However
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,
kids
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, who are between 7 and 14, are the most influenced age group, since they have low awareness
to
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of
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technology. There are several crucial reasons
of
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for
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this
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attitude,
such
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as lack of parental monitoring and the charm of cutting-edge devices are attributed to
this
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phenomenon. In my opinion,
this
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behaviour of
kids
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are
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is
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not acceptable and it should be prevented for their mental and physical improvement. In the contemporary world, parents have the most responsibility for their
kids
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' development in many contexts,
for instance
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, they need to protect their
kids
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from harmful
content
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and limit the usage of electronic devices. Even though the internet and cyber era enable us to reach a certain amount of knowledge, not every information is correct or beneficial. There
are
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is
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many detrimental
content
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for
kids
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, that might devastate their mental enhancement.
Moreover
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, spending a long time on smartphones may
also
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create a concern for physical health.
For example
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, my cousin, who was 15 years old, was addicted to Playstation and he was playing games at least 10 hours a day.
This
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attitude integrated with
unhealthy
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an unhealthy
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diet, he became obese and lost his physical and mental health, since he was depressed. If his family
conduct
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conducted
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some awareness for their children's health, he might be in a better position now. To be more specific, technology brings many perks,
nevertheless
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, there are some drawbacks involved. To acquire the highest benefit from the technology people should increase their consciousness about digital gadgets.
Thus
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, technological advancements cause degradation
on
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in
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individuals' stability, if they act carelessly. It stands out as a negative development for
kids
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, only if it
used
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uses
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awareness. A clear example of
this
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can be seen in YouTube, there are many
destructive
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of destructive
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content
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for youngsters. Even a study indicates
this
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fact, which was conducted by Stanford University, researchers express that 54% of the
content
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on YouTube has
negative
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a negative
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impact on early aged humans. In conclusion, recent high-tech devices can cause significant harm
on
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to
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youngsters if they
were
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are
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not well-monitored and well-guided by their parents. In
the
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an
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environment
of
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in
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that
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which
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families are not exerting conservation for their
kids
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, these technological enhancements will be very disadvantageous.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to clearly separate your ideas into distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea related to your thesis statement to improve the overall logical flow.
task achievement
Make sure to double-check your grammar and wording for accuracy, such as using singular/plural forms correctly (e.g., 'behaviour of kids is not acceptable' instead of 'behaviour of kids are not acceptable').
task achievement
Include a wider range of examples to support your arguments, as this could strengthen your essay and make your points more convincing.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of the main issues related to children and technology, which reflects a good level of task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a relevant thesis statement that outlines your position well, setting a clear direction for the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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