IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Many kids spend excessive time on mobile phones on a daily basis.
Factor
Fix the agreement mistake
Factors
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 affecting
this
Linking Words
 cause are entertainment platforms like games, movies and social media. I think
this
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 is
largly
Correct your spelling
largely
 a negative development because it deviates them from priorities like studies. Smartphones are one of the most necessary devices in
this
Linking Words
 competitive era.
Besides
Linking Words
 being used to call, text and email others, it is
also
Linking Words
 used for entertainment purposes like online video games, streaming movies
as well as
Linking Words
 social media applications.
Children
Use synonyms
 spend a lot of time on online gaming and streaming apps like Netflix and Amazon Prime Videos.
For example
Linking Words
, in many countries, millions of kids play a popular game called 'PUBG' for hours where they play with
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
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 players on a global platform because it gives virtual rewards that kids can show off to get online attention.
Although
Linking Words
 it has a few reasonably good usages like YouTube and online study
platform
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platforms
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, I think it is largely a negative development for followed reasons. The content presented in movies and TV shows is not just unsafe and mature, but alluring, which
children
Use synonyms
's immature minds cannot tolerate.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they suffer from
the
Correct article usage
a
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 lack of concentration and
loses
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lose
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 focus on
studies
Correct pronoun usage
their studies
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the concept of online gaming is
extremely
Rephrase
so
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 addictive that they play it day and night.
For instance
Linking Words
, millions of
children
Use synonyms
 in the USA are unable to perform well enough at
schools
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school
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 and eventually suffer from mental
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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 like social anxiety and depression. In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
 spend most of
the
Change the word
their
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 time behind smartphones for many reasons like online gaming, streaming films and TV series,
as well as
Linking Words
 on social media apps. I believe it is mainly a negative development because the consequences of
over usage
Correct your spelling
overusage
is
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are
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 highly damaging
for
Change preposition
to
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 their mental well-being.

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task achievement
Try to provide a clearer argument in your introduction that links the causes of smartphone usage to the negative effects. This will help strengthen your thesis statement.
task achievement
Be more specific in your examples and elaborate on the points made, particularly how these activities impact studies more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to maintain a logical flow by using linking words effectively between sentences and paragraphs to enhance coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing or expanding your conclusion to summarize key points more effectively; making it more comprehensive can enhance the overall impression of your essay.
task achievement
You articulate the main reasons children spend time on smartphones well and provide examples that are relatable.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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