IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they don't. Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion

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These days, a lot of professionals have been playing key roles
for
Change preposition
in
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 motivating young children to have dreams. It is thought by some that athletes don't inspire young
people
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to discuss both of these views and give my own opinion. From the perspective of
people
Use synonyms
 who support the former
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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one
Use synonyms
, professional athletes can motivate young generations
due to
Linking Words
 their stories.
For example
Linking Words
, a South Korean football player, Heung Min Son, who played for Tottenham Hotspur, was trained by his father. His father trained only basic skills until he had
a
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apply
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good control of the ball. After that, his talent bloomed and thanks to his solid basics, he could play in the EPL league.
This
Linking Words
 story inspired many youth players all over the world and some of them are playing with him.
In contrast
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,
people
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 who think that pro players cannot inspire kids are like
this
Linking Words
. The stories overemphasize
on
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apply
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physical success. There are many ways to achieve their dreams
such
Linking Words
 as going to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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university or experiencing
one
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's areas of interest.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they can make our children
to
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apply
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have unrealistic expectations for their future. The athletes who are playing worldwide can't be an example because they are literally
one
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 in a million since they went through all the harsh
trainings
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training
pieces of training
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 and competitions. With all these arguments, I take the view that they can inspire youths very efficiently. Being a role model is not restricted to a job. There
is
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are
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 no certainties to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
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 an athlete because your child likes a soccer player. We often get
inspirations
Fix the agreement mistake
inspiration
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such
Linking Words
 as a solid mindset from our nearest
people
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 like parents. They are
also
Linking Words
one
Use synonyms
 of them.

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Task Achievement
Consider improving the clarity of your introduction by clearly stating your stance along with the points you will discuss. This sets a clearer expectation for the reader.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to provide smoother transitions between your paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas. Using linking words or phrases can help achieve this and make your essay easier to follow.
Coherence and Cohesion
Include a clearer conclusion that summarizes your main points and reinforces your opinion. This can provide a stronger ending to your essay.
Task Achievement
You have provided a relevant example of an athlete and related it to the topic well. This adds depth to your argument.
Task Achievement
You have attempted to discuss both views, which reflects a balanced approach to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Role model
  • Professional athlete
  • Positive influence
  • Work ethic
  • Charitable activities
  • Endorsement
  • Overcoming adversity
  • Misconduct
  • Overemphasis
  • Physical success
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • High-pressure
  • Media spotlight
  • Perceptions
  • Behavior
  • Inspiring
  • Diverse role models
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