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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Countries around the world require more and more energy every year for domestic and industrial use. What are the causes of this excessive energy consumption, and how does it affect the environment?

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These days, we can see that people's lives are developed by using technology, yet technology has another aspect that can see the number of
energy
Use synonyms
 which domestics and industries are used by countries are increasing every year. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the reasons and the influence of
this
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 matter in the background. An issue is a result of some reasons;
moreover
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, not only evolving technology but
also
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 buying different
things
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 are the main reasons for the rising figure of using
energy
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.
Firstly
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, the amount of devices which help us to have comfortable lives by companies is climbing;
as a result
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, the percentage of
energy
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that is
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 used is a
lot
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due to
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 the fact both people who have these gadgets and factories that produce these
things
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 need
energy
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.
Secondly
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, unfortunately, most global inhabitants like variety.
In other words
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, they like to change their clothes, phones, furniture, and other
things
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 really fast and buy new
things
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 that are really popular so that, companies have to design and generate new
things
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 people like.
Nevertheless
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, the effect of our manners on our environment has a
lot
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 of demerits
such
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 as it is crucial that we destroy surroundings to produce
energy
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 and pollution.
Initially
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, we need a
lot
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 of
energy
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;
therefore
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, we must build a new factory that makes
energy
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;
then
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 we destroy forests to build
this
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 place.
In addition
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, generated
energy
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 has a
lot
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 of harmful gas;
hence
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, we have global warming that injures all creatures, jungles, and humans;
moreover
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,
this
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 evidence will alter our lifestyle in the future.
To conclude
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, the fact that using
energy
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 to improve our lives is the best choice;
although
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, the environment is really more important than other
things
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 and we have to damage it less as our children will have used it.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task and provides a response to both parts of the question. However, some ideas are not fully developed or clearly explained. Try to provide more details and examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay could be improved. Some sentences and ideas are not clearly connected, and this can make it hard for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence cohesion
Try to use linking words and phrases effectively to help guide the reader through your essay. This will make your writing more cohesive.
task achievement
Your essay covers both the causes and effects of excessive energy consumption, which is an important part of the task.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance, which helps to reinforce your argument.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive energy consumption
  • industrial growth
  • economic development
  • higher living standards
  • electronic gadgets
  • appliances
  • urbanization
  • infrastructure
  • transportation networks
  • energy-intensive
  • deforestation
  • land use changes
  • natural systems
  • artificial climate control
  • manufacturing
  • housing
  • daily life activities
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