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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people who have been successful in society don't attribute their success to the theoretical knowledge they learned from their university. Do you agree or disagree that theoretical knowledge is not as valuable as expected?

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Introduction
It is true that some successful
people
Use synonyms
 do not have a degree from
university
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.
However
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, in society, I am of the opinion that for most
people
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, owning a certified qualification gives them more possibilities to get a better
job
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 opportunity.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, accumulated work experiences provide some employees from certain sectors
enough
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with enough
show examples
 knowledge for their
job
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.
For example
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, a barber who usually does not have a
university
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 diploma.
However
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, the barber must have been trained intensively and worked for many years to get customers' recognition.
Besides
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, some
people
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 attribute their success to pure luck. Take the lottery
for example
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, there is a chance for someone to get rich if they are fortunate enough to earn a great amount of money.
However
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,
this
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 is not a typical
rout
Correct your spelling
route
show examples
 that can be repeated for other
people
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.
Body paragraph 2
In real life, learning professional knowledge and getting a diploma is the most feasible and
solidest
Change the word
most solid
show examples
 way to guarantee
job
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 seekers a fair chance to get an offer, especially for young graduates.
For instance
Linking Words
, when HR staff are scanning hundreds and thousands of resumes from
job
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 applicants, what immediately attracts their eyes is if the candidate is from a good
university
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. Being recruited by a
famouse
Correct your spelling
famous
 company offers a fresh
gradute
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graduate
 more learning opportunities and eventually promotes their personal development.
Thus
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, it is worth
for
Correct pronoun usage
it for
show examples
 young
people
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 to prepare
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 well in
university
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 before entering society.
Conclusion
In conclusion, only a small number of
people
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 can achieve success, thanks to long-term hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 or pure luck.
However
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, for most
people
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, having theoretical knowledge from their
university
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 is the most reliable
methed
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method
 to approach success.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your main points are clearly developed and supported in each paragraph. Add more specific examples to strengthen your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider improving the flow of your essay by using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to connect your ideas. This will help make your argument more cohesive.
Task Achievement
You provided a clear opinion in the introduction, reflecting your stance on the topic.
Task Achievement
Your examples from real life, such as the barber and the lottery, showed an understanding of alternative paths to success, which enriches your discussion.
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