IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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It is commonly believed that schools are way too competitive and it can lead to negative consequences for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
.
However
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that the competitive environment motivates
students
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 to focus better on their
school
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.
While
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 I think that competitive culture at
school
Use synonyms
 can be helpful, since it prepares them for adulthood and future work, it is more convenient to prioritize
students
Use synonyms
' well-being and let
students
Use synonyms
 Use synonyms admissionenlistmentrecruitmentacceptanceaccessionconscriptionengagemententranceentryinduction It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score. grow and learn without any pressure, since it will not cause any damage to their mental health. When it comes to competition at
school
Use synonyms
, it can be quite helpful in terms of academic
excelling
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excellence
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.
This
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 kind of environment can encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to study harder, and achieving for greater goals. It can help
children
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 prepare for adulthood and teach them that they need to outperform their peers in order to secure a better position.
For instance
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,
children
Use synonyms
 in South Korea are highly motivated to study harder and be more successful than their classmates, since they feel pressured that they will not be able to find a decent job in the future.
People
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 want to excel in their work performance and it positively affects the country's economy.
However
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, a competitive environment can lead to severe mental problems for
students
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 and be harmful to youngsters. It is highly important to give youngsters space to explore what they want to pursue and leave them out of pressure, so they can make better choices. Competition at
school
Use synonyms
 can make young
people
Use synonyms
 overwhelmed because they would be afraid to be worse than their peers, which leads to fear and anxiety.
For example
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, South Korea is ranked in the top 10 of all countries for suicide.
People
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 are afraid not to secure the best position and disappoint others. Not everyone can deal with
such
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emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
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, which can lead to terrible consequences. To summarize,
while
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such
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 culture can prepare youngsters for their future work, it can
also
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 cause damage to them. Since mental health is the biggest priority for me, I agree with the latter opinion.

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that each point you make is thoroughly developed with detailed explanations or examples. Consider providing more specific examples or personal insights to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
In coherence and cohesion, while your essay has a clear structure, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smooth to enhance the flow of ideas. You may also join some sentences to create more complex structures, which can improve the overall readability.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and engages with both sides of the argument, demonstrating good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The use of examples, particularly regarding South Korea, adds depth to your points and makes your argument more relatable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
What to do next:
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