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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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While
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 traditional schools are considered top choices of education, many people argue that
children
Use synonyms
 should be tutored by their fathers or mothers. I agree more with the first opinion. Irrespective of conveying more comfortably to close relationships,
parents
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 usually lack
deep
Correct article usage
the deep
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 understanding and instructing skills that institutions offer. Without a doubt, official teachers have not only strong foundation knowledge but
also
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excessive
Correct your spelling
extensive
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experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
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of
Change preposition
in
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 schooling. After years of receiving
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
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 from experts, they understand more deeply about an aspect they major in than those
just
Correct pronoun usage
who just
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start
Wrong verb form
started
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 to tutor
the
Change the word
their
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 offspring.
For instance
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, Ngo Bao Chau, a mathematical master in Vietnam, can answer questions about his teaching subject clearly because he has researched a lot about that.
Besides
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, instructors are employed and teach
students
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 for money, so they will be responsible for conveying all information in class. Those incentives motivate them to apply all
experiences
Correct article usage
the experiences
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 they
work
Verb problem
had
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 in previous schools to schooling, which
outweights
Correct your spelling
outweighs
 the capability of
parents
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teaching
Change the verb form
to teach
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 their
children
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.
In contrast
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, many people still believe they can give better education to their
children
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 than teachers. They argue that they will have closer relationships with those they gave birth to, so they can easily communicate at home. Unlike family upbringing, schooling offers classes with a capacity of up to 40 or 50
students
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, so instructors cannot personalize the programs and supervise what
students
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 do as
parents
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, especially the
ousewives
Correct your spelling
housewives
, do.
However
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,
this
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 large number of class participants helps
study
Correct article usage
the study
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becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
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 more lively with many
children
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 getting involved in debates or teamwork.
Along with
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 that, if the offspring learn from those
who
Correct pronoun usage
whom
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 they are too familiar with, they are unlikely to focus because they realize that they can dependently ask for instructions again at home. In conclusion, I strongly believe that conventional schools offer
better
Add an article
a better
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 education than
parents
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. Teachers not only show their superiority in instructing kids but
also
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 successfully manage to make
students
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 follow their instructions.

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task achievement
While your argument is clear, adding more examples or empirical data could strengthen your points and offer deeper insights.
coherence and cohesion
To improve the clarity of your ideas, consider breaking longer sentences into shorter ones. This will enhance readability and comprehension.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively states your viewpoint and lays the groundwork for the discussion to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You successfully present contrasting opinions, which adds depth to your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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