IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus more on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The assertion that governments’ intervention in mitigating ecological pollution and assisting people in owning a house could hinder the contraction of ailments is a controversial issue. Strongly agreeing with
this
Linking Words
 statement, I believe that addressing these challenges by governments could play a significant role in reaching a considerable decrease in the number of patients. Diminishing environmental polluters, many illnesses would be eradicated.
In other words
Linking Words
, enacting strict rules against the producers of toxic gases and materials could eliminate the causes of tremendous illnesses, contributing to the citizens’
health
Use synonyms
. Studies from Harvard University in 2018, found that the released lead from industrial rubbishes was the main cause of neurological illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as MS, Parkinson and cerebral palsy in children, highlighting the necessity of governmental supervision on recycling industrial rubbishes.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, offering subsidies on electric cars, fossil fuel consumption and
consequently
Linking Words
, carbon dioxide emissions would be declined, which is highly responsible for respiratory and cardiovascular diseases.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
health
Use synonyms
 benefits, these interventions compensate for the imposed adverse impacts on nature by humans in the long term.
Secondly
Linking Words
, buying a home has become a challenge , especially for young couples, which increases
stress
Use synonyms
 in their life.
However
Linking Words
, offering low-interest loans of 2%
for example
Linking Words
, on the part of governments to the purchasers of first home in life reduces
stress
Use synonyms
, preventing other potential mental disorders
such
Linking Words
 as depression or isolation.
According to
Linking Words
 a study from Oxford University, the possessors of homes in the United States have 40% less
stress
Use synonyms
 than those who do not, illustrating the positive correlation between owning a home and experiencing less
stress
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 other factors
such
Linking Words
 as irregular sleeping habits, not exercising and unhealthy diets negatively impact
health
Use synonyms
 conditions, the external factors have the same influences as personal ones. In conclusion, authorities play a crucial role in residents’ physical and mental well-being through their financial and eco-friendly support.
As a result
Linking Words
, the idea of
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 role in
society’
Change noun form
society’s
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 is supported.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Try to provide a more detailed exploration of counterarguments, which could enhance the depth of your analysis and improve your task response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that all points made in the body paragraphs have clear topic sentences to improve logical flow and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider tightening your wording in some areas to enhance clarity and maintain a formal tone throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with well-defined introduction and conclusion sections, making it easy to follow.
Task Achievement
The use of relevant studies to back up your points adds credibility to your arguments, which is commendable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: