IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In some countries, more and more people are hiring a personal fitness trainer, rather than playing sports or doing exercise classes. What are the reasons for this? Is this a positive or a negative development?

A Personal Coach for health is becoming popular among Individuals in several nations
instead
Linking Words
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games and sessions for physical work out.
As nowadays
Change preposition
Nowadays
show examples
, Health is an important asset for the human. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, they are giving so much significance
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it and
aware
Add a missing verb
are aware
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 it.In my opinion, It is
positive
Add an article
a positive
show examples
 development and I will provide justifications regarding the same and list
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 evolution. To start with, if one should want to take care of the physics. So, it is good
get
Add the particle
to get
show examples
 guidance from the professionals. As they have
proper
Add an article
the proper
show examples
 experience.
Also
Linking Words
, it is necessary to follow
diet
Correct article usage
a diet
show examples
 and that can be given by the dietitian.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is
desire
Add an article
the desire
a desire
show examples
 of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 generation to achieve
muscular
Add an article
a muscular
show examples
 body. And
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
they
required
Add a missing verb
are required
show examples
 to exercise by using equipment. And if someone doesn’t have knowledge about the use of it they can harm themselves.
As a result
Linking Words
,
appoint
Wrong verb form
appointing
show examples
 a gym trainer is needed. And by
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
show examples
 their employment opportunities will be increased.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 transformation. The greed for acquiring
six pack
Add a hyphen
six-pack
show examples
 abs and
zero figure
Add a hyphen
zero-figure
show examples
 is growing day by day.
Therefore
Linking Words
, inhabitants take protein powder and
other supplement
Change the wording
another supplement
other supplements
show examples
 for instant
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
. And
this
Linking Words
makes
Verb problem
has
show examples
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 effect on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
health. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example, Rate of cardiac arrest in young people.
To conclude
Linking Words
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, It is mandatory to take care
Change preposition
of wellbeing
show examples
wellbeing
Change preposition
of wellbeing
show examples
, But It should be done in the proper portion and
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 way should
followed
Change the verb form
be followed
show examples
 to achieve positive results.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction presents the topic, but it would be improved by a clearer thesis statement outlining your main points. Additionally, ensure to use correct grammar and punctuation.
coherence and cohesion
Try to organize your ideas more logically. Each paragraph should ideally contain one main idea that is clearly supported by examples or explanations. Make sure to keep your ideas cohesive within paragraphs.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your arguments, particularly in the second paragraph. This will enhance the clarity and depth of your discussion.
task achievement
You have a clear viewpoint, stating that hiring a personal trainer is a positive development, which is good for task achievement.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a relevant structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a strong point for coherence and cohesion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • personalized workout plans
  • tailored
  • efficient
  • awareness
  • physical health
  • motivation
  • guidance
  • convenience
  • flexibility
  • exclusivity
  • status symbol
  • inaccessible
  • community engagement
  • social interaction
  • health outcomes
  • personal achievement
  • health-conscious
What to do next:
Look at other essays: