IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Today more and more people are overweight than before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this. What are main affects of this epidemic.

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In today’s era, most proponents get the issue of being overweight, which is caused by a sedentary
lifestyle
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along with
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 the wrong choice of
food
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,
as a result
Linking Words
, a plethora of individuals diagnose with
health
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issues
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.
This
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 essay will shed light on both reasons and effects with relevant examples in the following paragraphs. The first and foremost reason for gaining weight is a desk-bound
lifestyle
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 and adapting to junk
food
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.
Due to
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 technology, cooperative employees do work-at-home jobs, which allow them to sit for 10-12 hours at minimum a day, ultimately, it reduces their physical movements and decreases their ample time for cooking,
as a result
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, most workers prefer to eat processed
food
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instead
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 of homemade fresh
food
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. These kinds of habits automatically lead to obesity in people.
Likewise
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, The United States is the biggest example for employees who still spend 12-16 hours at their job, after being overweight
due to
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 their hard-pressed life and fast-
food
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 eating habits. So,
this
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 notion clearly states that an inactive
lifestyle
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 is the main reason behind obesity.
Secondly
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, obesity attacks the human body with major
health
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issues
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, which are caused by lower metabolism and improper immunity,
such
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 as cancer, and diabetes.
Moreover
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,
health
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issues
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 are not limited to destroying the human body, but
also
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 mental
health
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 and well-being.
For example
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; every year around 1000 cases are recorded for cancer patients in United States Hospitals, and most of them are overweight, which is becoming the main reason behind cancer.
However
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, in order to mitigate these
issues
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, the masses need to follow a healthy and active
lifestyle
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 with fresh
food
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.
To conclude
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, after discussing both points, it can be clearly defined that a sedentary
lifestyle
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 results in weight, which leads to some major
health
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issues
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,
nonetheless
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, individuals need to adopt a proactive
lifestyle
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 for well-being.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and outlines the structure of your essay, which is good. However, consider making your thesis statement more explicit about your views on the causes and effects of obesity.
coherence and cohesion
Your second paragraph discusses a reason for being overweight but could be more clearly structured. Start with a topic sentence that directly presents your main point about sedentary lifestyles. Additionally, avoid placing a comma before 'as a result'—it should be a part of the same sentence.
coherence and cohesion
In the second paragraph, the United States example is relevant, but ensure that the connection to the main point is clear. Instead of stating 'the biggest example for employees,' say it is a significant example of sedentary lifestyles contributing to obesity.
task achievement
In the third paragraph, while you mention serious health issues like cancer and diabetes, adding more specific examples or statistics could make your argument stronger. For instance, including specific studies or data to back your statements would enhance the relevance and specificity of your examples.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, try to reiterate your main points in a more concise manner to strengthen the overall closure of your essay. You can briefly summarize the reasons and their consequences more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, demonstrating a solid understanding of how to format an academic essay.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples of the lifestyle choices contributing to obesity, such as eating processed food and maintaining a sedentary job, which supports your argument well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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