IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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The widespread
use
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 of
smartphones
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 among
children
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 has become increasingly common in recent years.
This
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 phenomenon can be attributed to advancements in technology, the accessibility of devices, and societal shifts in parenting styles.
While
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smartphones
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 offer some educational and social benefits, I firmly believe that the overuse of these devices by
children
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 has more negative than positive consequences. One primary reason
children
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 spend so much time on their
smartphones
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 is the engaging and addictive nature of the content available. Social media platforms, online games, and video-streaming services are designed to capture attention for extended periods.
Moreover
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, the affordability and widespread availability of
smartphones
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 have made it easy for parents to provide their
children
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 with
such
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 devices, often as a means of keeping them occupied. Another factor is that many schools are integrating technology into their teaching methods, which indirectly encourages
children
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 to
use
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smartphones
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 more frequently. Despite these potential benefits, the excessive
use
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 of
smartphones
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 by
children
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 has several negative consequences.
Firstly
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, spending hours on a screen reduces opportunities for physical activity, which is essential for healthy growth and development. Many studies have shown a direct correlation between screen time and childhood obesity.
Secondly
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, prolonged smartphone
use
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 can impair social skills.
Children
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 who rely on virtual interactions may struggle to communicate effectively in real-world situations, leading to difficulties in forming meaningful relationships.
Lastly
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,
smartphones
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 can expose
children
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 to inappropriate content, which may negatively influence their
behavior
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behaviour
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 and mental health. In conclusion,
while
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smartphones
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 can be beneficial when used in moderation, their excessive
use
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 by
children
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 leads to numerous physical, social, and psychological issues. Parents, educators, and policymakers must work together to set boundaries and encourage healthier habits to ensure that
children
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 develop into well-rounded individuals. ________________________________________

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and your position, which is great. However, consider making your thesis statement a bit more explicit by stating your stance directly.
coherence and cohesion
While your points are clear and logically structured, you could improve transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow. Adding phrases that link ideas could make your essay more cohesive.
task achievement
You provided valid examples to support your points, but expanding on these examples could make your arguments even stronger. For instance, including a specific study related to childhood obesity could enhance your argument about screen time.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear argument and is well-structured, with each paragraph focused on a specific point.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed both sides of the issue, discussing potential benefits and drawbacks comprehensively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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