IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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In today’s
fast paced
Add a hyphen
fast-paced
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 world, several countries frequently show a huge number of young adults rather than the elders.
This
Linking Words
 situation might cause some upsides to society regarding the productivity of young adults that brings significant progress to a country's economic sectors,
while
Linking Words
 some individuals argue that
this
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 condition makes some downsides including the absence of the elders’ role in society. In
this
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 condition, I believe that the upsides of having more young adults in the country outweigh the downsides relating to the several contributions they have been showing recently. Considering their young ages, people tend to doubt their capability to lead a team.
In addition
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 to that, young individuals are not able to present a specific idea related to the problem they face in their workspace
due to
Linking Words
 their lack of experience.
For example
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,
young
Add an article
a young
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 employee who headed a task of solving a complaint delivered by
customer
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a customer
the customer
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being
Wrong verb form
was
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 folded and asked to call the senior manager in order to customer’s unsatisfied feeling provided by the solution they provided.
In contrast
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young people are occupied by several abilities to make the task easier and they are able to adapt to
this
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 new era of technology, and in some particular
ways
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ways,
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 they show how fast they are in finishing the task they have achieved.
For instance
Linking Words
, young people type a document faster than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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seniors and they can manage their schedules using
google calendar
Correct your spelling
Google Calendar
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 without writing it in an agenda that can be missed. They are
also
Linking Words
 more familiar with office applications that cause their work to
finish
Wrong verb form
be finished
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 earlier.
Additionally
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, they
also
Linking Words
 contribute brilliant ideas which keep the company
such
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 as news, food or fashion relying on the latest
trend
Fix the agreement mistake
trends
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. In conclusion, In spite of their smaller number of experiences
due to
Linking Words
 their young ages, the presence of their big number contributes
several
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to several
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 beneficial impacts
to
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on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. I believe that
,
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apply
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by
Change preposition
apply
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showing their brilliant ideas and their ability to adapt
in
Change preposition
to
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 new circumstances will
profit
Verb problem
benefit
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 the country.

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task achievement
The introduction could be more engaging by clearly stating your position from the beginning. Consider rephrasing the thesis statement to assert that the benefits of having a larger young adult population are significant.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. For example, a linking sentence at the end of the first paragraph to hint at the next paragraph's focus would improve coherence.
task achievement
Try to add more specific examples or evidence to support your claims about the contributions of young adults. This would help strengthen your argument and achieve a clearer response to the task.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument that young adults have notable contributions to society, which is a strong position to take.
task achievement
The examples of technological ability and adaptability among young adults are relevant and strengthen your argument significantly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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