IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some of the measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of the aging population.

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There is no
deny in
Wrong verb form
denying
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 the fact that life expectancy is increasing gradually worldwide. Many
people
Use synonyms
 think that it is a sign of positive development but in
reality
Add a comma
reality,
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 it does
affects
Change the verb form
affect
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 many individuals
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 youngsters. In the following
paragraphs
Add a comma
paragraphs,
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 I will be explaining some measures to reduce the impact.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 are mentally developed economically, socially and physically which has resulted in
rising
Replace the word
a rise
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of
Change preposition
in
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single
Correct article usage
a single
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perosn's
Correct your spelling
person's
 life expectancy.
Although
Linking Words
, it
is
Verb problem
has
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 a positive impact
for
Change preposition
on
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nation
Add an article
the nation
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but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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it has its own consequences, as the ratio of senior citizens could be a problem for the
government
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
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 budget will rise as they will have to pay pensions and mediclaims to all aged individuals.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, as the population of old
people
Use synonyms
grow
Correct subject-verb agreement
grows
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 the housing demand will rise
hence
Linking Words
 the prices of the properties will boom in future.
However
Linking Words
, there are some mandatory steps that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should follow in order to resolve
this
Linking Words
 issue. One of the ways is that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 could
extent
Replace the word
extend
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 the retirement age.
For example
Linking Words
, if the targeted age to retire was 55 years it could be extended
upto
Correct your spelling
up to
 60-65 years as the senior
people
Use synonyms
 will be healthy and in prime condition.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
following
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 remedy will allow
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
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 to not pay retirement money and to focus more on youth.
In addition
Linking Words
, some rules and regulations to pay
subsidy
Fix the agreement mistake
subsidies
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 to youth
while
Linking Words
 buying a new home should be implemented. To concede, it is important to take care of senior citizens but it is essentially crucial to look after youngster's future.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is vital for
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
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 to take strong steps
due to
Linking Words
 which both youth and senior citizens will be benefitted and have a prime
forseeable
Correct your spelling
foreseeable
 future.

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task response
The introduction clearly states the topic and the intention to discuss measures, but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that previews the main points.
task response
Some points lack sufficient development and explanation; each problem and solution could be elaborated further to demonstrate more depth.
coherence and cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases throughout the essay, which can hinder clarity; careful proofreading is advised.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that supporting sentences are explicitly connected to that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs, such as 'Additionally', 'Moreover', and 'On the other hand'.
task response
The essay addresses the prompt well by identifying problems and suggesting solutions for the aging population.
task response
The intention to focus on both individual and societal impacts is commendable, demonstrating an understanding of the topic's complexity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • ageing population
  • healthcare system
  • pension costs
  • workforce
  • retirement age
  • isolation
  • mental health
  • intergenerational tension
  • community programs
  • supportive housing
  • inclusive housing
What to do next:
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