IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Caring for children is probably the most important thing of the society. It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take the childcare training courses. To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?

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There is a public debate today
that
Change preposition
about
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 all
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents
Use synonyms
whether
Correct word choice
apply
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need to
require
Wrong verb form
be required
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 to accept a course of care
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for the
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the
Change the word
their
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children
Use synonyms
. Some people thought all the mothers and fathers should decide it by themselves, and the other ones have different opinions. In my view, I think all the new
parents
Use synonyms
 should be taken a training to take their
children
Use synonyms
.
It's often say
Change the verb form
It's often said
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 that
children
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 can choose their future but they can'
t
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 choose their birth. As
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
parents
Correct the article-noun agreement
parent
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, when they choose a life
come
Fix the infinitive
to come
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to
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into
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 the world, they will have
an
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a
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naturally
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natural
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 obligation. Some young
parents
Use synonyms
doesn'
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don't
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t
Use synonyms
 change their thinking and they may not have
a
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apply
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enough
prepare
Replace the word
preparation
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 to face the new life birth.
And
Correct word choice
Also
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also
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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new
parents
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maybe doesn'
Verb problem
may not
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t
Use synonyms
 have
professional
Add an article
the professional
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 knowledge to reply
some
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to some
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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, they will be very anxious. A
force
Replace the word
forced
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 course can make them change their mind, and
more
Add a missing verb
be more
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 responsible. That's
also
Linking Words
 a way to encourage social development. When people have a
more
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apply
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higher education level, they will
more
Add a missing verb
be more
show examples
 useful to the world. The other reason why we need
parents
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 to study
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
care
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 is can help reduce social burden. If
parents
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 always take their
children
Use synonyms
 to
hospital
Add an article
the hospital
a hospital
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 only for a small sickness, the public
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
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 will be short.
And as
Correct word choice
As
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 a child,
children
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 don'
t
Use synonyms
 know what time they
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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suffered
for
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from
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 damage, and they only can search
help
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for help
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 from their mother or father. If
the
Correct your spelling
they
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 hurt
from
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by
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 their
parents
Use synonyms
, they will
lost
Change the verb form
lose
be lost
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the
Change the word
their
show examples
protect
Replace the word
protection
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. After
take
Change the verb form
taking
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 in an education, the adults can learn what is the bad thing to
children
Use synonyms
. They can control their
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 and reduce some mass for the other one. In a word, I very
agree
Correct quantifier usage
much agree
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 let all mothers and fathers take in course to study how to care
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 child. We should respect every life and make the world more wonderful.

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task achievement
Your introduction is clear, but try to refine the thesis statement to better reflect your argument. Instead of saying 'I think all the new parents should be taken a training', you could say 'I believe that mandatory training for new parents can significantly improve child care.'
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs focus on one main idea. In your second paragraph, for example, the idea about having an obligation as a parent and the importance of education could be separated and elaborated on more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more varied sentence structures. Some sentences are quite similar in length and structure. Varying your sentences can make your writing more engaging.
coherence and cohesion
Some phrases are awkward or incorrectly constructed, such as 'take in an education' — consider using 'receive education' instead.
task achievement
You present a clear stance on the issue, which is essential for addressing the task effectively. Your argument for a training course for new parents is evident and can be easily followed.
task achievement
You provide reasoning behind your points, including the potential social impact and reduction of burdens on healthcare. This shows that you understand the broader implications of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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