IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A rise in a childhood obesity is a real threat to health with an increasing number of children now classified as overweight what are the causes of the problem and what mergers can be taken to solve them?

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Obesity
Use synonyms
 has
been increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
recent
Change preposition
in recent
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
 among children which brings
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
 and
harm
Correct subject-verb agreement
harms
show examples
 their health . There are
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of reasons like lack of exercise and excessive using devices . To solve
this
Linking Words
 issue
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 and parents should work collectively. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will outline the
cuases
Correct your spelling
causes
 and the possible solutions .
To begin
Linking Words
 with , there are different actions that kids usually do
causes
Change the verb form
to cause
show examples
 diseases like
obesity
Use synonyms
 . One of them is spending most of the time at home ,
therefore
Linking Words
 they do not do any exercises like playing football
out doors
Correct your spelling
outdoors
show examples
 or even
ride
Wrong verb form
riding
show examples
bike
Add an article
a bike
show examples
 ,which in
turns lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
turn leads
show examples
 to
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
 , young people nowadays
addicted
Add a missing verb
are addicted
show examples
 to
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 devices
such
Linking Words
 as
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 and
Playstation
Correct your spelling
PlayStation
show examples
, so they tend to use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 excessively .
And all
Correct word choice
All
show examples
 of
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of devices
require
Wrong verb form
are required
show examples
 to stay in the same position with no
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
action.
This
Linking Words
 routine not only causes
obesity
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
,causes diabetes . Regarding addressing
this
Linking Words
 problem there are many effective ways to reduce the risk of
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
. First , parents play a significant role in
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 lives , so they can control and change some bad habits ,
for instance
Linking Words
 , the time of using phones should be limited ,
also
Linking Words
 they can encourage them to play outside the house by buying
bike
Correct article usage
a bike
show examples
 or ball . With regard to school , it very essential that
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
should
Verb problem
apply
show examples
create a supportive for kids to
engaged
Change the form of the verb
engage
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
 like movement
competition
Fix the agreement mistake
competitions
show examples
.
To sum up
Linking Words
 ,it is true that
Add a missing verb
being overwight
show examples
overwight
Correct your spelling
overweight
 has continued to increase
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 younger over
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 few years ,
however
Linking Words
 , there are some reasons behind
this
Linking Words
 issue
should
Correct pronoun usage
that should
show examples
 not be overlooked .
Hence
Linking Words
 the possible solutions to mitigate the risk of
obesity
Use synonyms
 should be by schools and parents
togather
Correct your spelling
together
.

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task achievement
Strengthen your introduction by providing a clearer thesis statement outlining the main points you will cover in the essay. This will help guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that you address the causes and solutions in distinct paragraphs to improve logical flow. Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea supported by examples.
coherence and cohesion
Correct spelling and grammatical errors (e.g., 'overweight' instead of 'overwight', 'their' instead of 'thier', etc.) to enhance clarity. Proofreading is essential before finalizing your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt and presents relevant ideas about the causes and solutions to childhood obesity.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, which is a great foundation for coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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