IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Fast food restaurant and supermarkets fund schools to promote their products. Is it positive or negative?

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Nowadays, the marketing of products has been done through a diverse range of sources.
However
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, it is argued whether paying money to educational institutes for the promotion of instant food items from restaurants is a constructive or destructive approach. I consider it a negative development since it
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
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not only
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
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 students' health but
also
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 impacts the budget of families. Commencing with the most salient reason how
this
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 practice has counter-productive results, it stimulates
children
Use synonyms
 to eat junk food items excessively. Since these packaged meals contain amino acids, salts,
fatty
Correct word choice
and fatty
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 acids,
children
Use synonyms
 can become susceptible to various health-related ailments
such
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 as cardiovascular diseases,
blood
Correct word choice
high blood
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 pressure and primarily obesity. It can be illustrated by the research done by the 'Health Sever Centre' in New Delhi. It revealed that most learners who are morbidly obese consume oily snacks during their unsupervised periods when they are in
Use synonyms
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
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.
Therefore
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,
schools
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 should neither promote
such
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 kind of business
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 nor allow learners to eat unhealthy addictive meals in
schools
Use synonyms
. Another worth considering reason is the increasing instability in family budgets.
Children
Use synonyms
 can be targeted easily, and under the influence, they tend to buy these things in bulk
instead
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ofpurchasing
Correct your spelling
of purchasing
 rationally;
thus
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, they demand money from their parents, and they are left with financial strains.
Moreover
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, the future of the
children
Use synonyms
 will
also
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get
Verb problem
be
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 affected. It is apparent that no one can attain the zenith of success unless a person knows the significance of money management in their life.
Hence
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,
schools
Use synonyms
 ought to prohibit
such
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 kind of practices, at least on their premises.
To conclude
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,
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 deterioration of youngsters
coupled with
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 stability in family finances can only be ensured provided
thatschools
Correct your spelling
that schools
took
Wrong verb form
take
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 reasonable steps
in stopping
Change preposition
to stop
show examples
 unethical practices like fast food promotions.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to your thesis statement and expands on it. Although you have good points, your argument could be made clearer with more structured topic sentences and closing statements in each paragraph.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples to further support your ideas. For instance, rather than referencing a research study, you could present statistics or findings that speak directly to the adverse effects of fast food consumption on student health.
coherence and cohesion
Check for small grammatical errors and typos, such as 'not only affect students’ health but also impacts the budget of families' for parallel structure. Precision in language use can elevate your writing.
positive
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance. It sets up the discussion well and engages the reader's interest.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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