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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that computers are more of a hindrance than a help in today's society. Others believe that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

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Many argue that computers have become more of an obstacle than an aid today,
while
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 others believe that it has become a crucial part of their both personal and professional lives. In my opinion, in the modern world, the
computer
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 has a major influence over
people
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 in a positive way rather than being a burden. Owing to the advancement in technologies, mankind was able to become more efficient
while
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,
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apply
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 eliminating excessive workloads. On one hand,
computer
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 utilization has decreased man's workload. In older times,
people
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 had to collect
the
Correct article usage
apply
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data
of
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on
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 every single thing related to their works or studies in papers, which made it tough for them to collect the data and save them for longer periods.
However
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,
computer
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 innovation helped to seek and preserve materials for lifelong, which
also
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 saved
people
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 from lots of labour.
Furthermore
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, many relationships are maintained by the help of
this
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 digital server,
hence
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 it serves as a medium to connect with
people
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 all over the world. The tools like
,
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apply
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 video calls, texting and social media help
people
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 to be in contact with their loved ones regardless of distance.
On the other hand
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, one cannot unsee the negative influence of a
computer
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 on today's society. Nowadays, mankind is becoming more and more dependable on a digital server,
while
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 underestimating its own ability to do even small chores.
For instance
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, these days, young children utilize computers to do homework
instead
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 of doing it on their own.
Therefore
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, to an extent,
people
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's
computer
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 usage should be monitored attentively. In conclusion, the
computer
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 advancements have both positive and negative impact on our lives.
Whereas
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, with a balanced approach to
this
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 issue, we can maximize the
advantageous
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advantages
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 of
computer
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 technologies
while
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 eliminating its drawbacks.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents the topic well and states your opinion clearly. Consider refining the phrasing to enhance clarity; for example, 'computers have become more of an obstacle than a help.'
task achievement
There is a good balance of points for and against computers. However, strengthening the supporting details, particularly in the second paragraph, could improve your argument. Provide more concrete examples for better clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures for better engagement and flow. Moments with longer, complex sentences can be balanced with shorter, impactful ones to maintain reader interest.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are logically structured, with clear transitions that guide the reader. The shift from positive to negative aspects could be more seamless with linking phrases.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both opinions and clearly states your own position, which is crucial for a balanced discussion.
task achievement
You provided relevant aspects of how computers impact personal and professional lives, which enriches the discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • hindrance
  • indispensable
  • over-reliance
  • privacy breaches
  • productivity
  • global communication
  • vast amounts of information
  • efficiency
  • connectivity
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