IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

New technologies have changed the way for children to spend their free time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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A widely heated debate regarding whether the
merit
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merits
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 of
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
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technologies
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 outweigh the demerits has received accumulating attention from the public. As for my perspective, I am in favour of
this
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 statement and the reason will be elaborated on thoroughly as follows. An array of causes may lead to why
technologies
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 bring some drawbacks to
children
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.
To begin
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 with, if kids spend too much time on electronic devices, they will lose the chance to hang out with friends and family.
That is
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, they might not be familiar with reality society because they spend their whole childhood on new
technologies
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.
Moreover
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,
addict
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addiction
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 to 3C products leads
children
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 to postpone their assignments,
such
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 as homework or exercise.
For instance
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, my cousin takes four hours on her notebook per day;
therefore
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, she always submits her
homeworks
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homework
 late.
On the contrary
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, the advantages of the latest
technologies
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 totally overwhelm the disadvantages.
Firstly
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,
children
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 can obtain the newest information through the internet.
For example
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, kids can gain the
trend
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trends
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 or knowledge in their interest fields as a leisure activity.
Secondly
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,
due to
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 the convenient technique systems,
children
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 have easier patterns to connect with their classmates and parents. To be more specific, they can attach their family immediately, it brings a
more safe
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safer
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 and
efficient
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more efficient
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 environment for kids to grow up
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in.
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.
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in.
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 In conclusion, based on the aforementioned, the benefits of the existence of new
technologies
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 may overwhelm the adverse effects
due to
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 gaining information and the connections between people can be closer and easier.

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task response
Your introduction is clear, but consider providing a more concise thesis statement that directly addresses the advantages and disadvantages of technology. Clarifying your stance at the end of the introduction can help guide your reader.
task response
In your body paragraphs, ensure that each point you make is sufficiently elaborated upon. For instance, when discussing the drawbacks of technology, you could include specific examples or studies that highlight the impact of technology on children's social skills.
coherence and cohesion
Your transition phrases can be enhanced to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. Using phrases such as 'on the other hand' or 'moreover' can help create a smoother connection between contrasting points.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, consider restating your main argument more explicitly. This will reinforce your position and remind the reader of your key points, allowing for a stronger closing.
task response
Your essay covers both advantages and disadvantages, functioning as a balanced discussion on the topic. This is a crucial skill in IELTS writing.
coherence and cohesion
You have made a clear effort to structure your essay, including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This organization is essential for good coherence and cohesion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Digital literacy
  • Cyberbullying
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Inappropriate content
  • Self-learning
  • Screen time
  • Social inequality
  • Enhanced communication
  • Creative expression
  • Educational resources
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