IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that individuals over 65 should not be allowed to continue working. Other think people should be allowed to work for as long as they choose. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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A large section of people believe the maximum
age
Use synonyms
 for a working employee should be 65,
on the contrary
Linking Words
 others believe the retirement decision should be vested with
individual
Add an article
the individual
show examples
 himself. Though it is a generous consideration to allow people to make their retirement decisions I feel the other option
to be
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 more viable. In
this
Linking Words
, I will discuss both the views and provide my opinion.
Firstly
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,
working
Correct article usage
the working
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 population aged 65 and above, eventually become less productive in terms of both physically and mentally demanding jobs
as a result
Linking Words
 impacting the performance of an organization
leading
Correct word choice
and leading
show examples
 to substandard products and services.
For instance
Linking Words
, HMT a very
well known
Add a hyphen
well-known
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 machine tools manufacturing company in India was staffed with mostly employees
arranging
Verb problem
ranging
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 between 60 to 67 years of
age
Use synonyms
 which led to lower production and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of new ideas to prevail in the market.
This
Linking Words
 illustrates
age
Use synonyms
place
Verb problem
is
show examples
 a key factor in an individual performance.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, not all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 active pension plan for senior citizens, aged 65 and above, which indicates them to be employed to make ends meet.
for example
Linking Words
, in developing countries, like Mexico
due to
Linking Words
 economic imitations of the country older population tend to work beyond the normal
age
Use synonyms
 of 65 to
make
Verb problem
meet
show examples
every
Change the word
their
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day
Correct your spelling
everyday
show examples
 needs
meet
Verb problem
apply
show examples
. in conclusion, I believe
maximum
Correct article usage
the maximum
show examples
 working
age
Use synonyms
 has to be limited to 65 considering the quality of products and services that would impact
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 performance of a company which I believe to be more material than the other option.

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task achievement
Ensure that you clearly state both sides of the argument in a balanced manner. Provide more details or examples to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs to enhance coherence. Use linking words more effectively to connect your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Elaborate on your conclusion by summarizing the main points briefly before reiterating your opinion.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and presents your opinion, which sets the stage for the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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