IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think spending a lot on birthdays and marriage celebrations is a waste of money but others think it is important to the young people and the society.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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- waste: cause there a lot of
money
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 needed in the other aspect of
life
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such
Linking Words
 as education, The needs after
marriage
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 is
also
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 needed much
money
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 to buy house/rent apartement, furniture, child preparation, - important: because it's only once in a lifetime.
For instance
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: for
birthday
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, the 17th
birthday
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celebration
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 is included important or as a check point of the transition from the child to teenager. For
marriage
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, it's important because it's only once in a lifetime too and a very special moment These days,
people
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 use much
money
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 on special occasions,
such
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 as bornday and engagement or
marriage
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 celebrations. Some of them consider
this
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 as
such
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 a waste, but another group of
people
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 especially young
people
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 think that the celebrations are worth to held. On one side, the waste of
money
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 on special events can decrease the budget for other important spendings,
such
Linking Words
 as education, health, and
life
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 accommodation. An huge
birthday
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 or
marriage
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celebration
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 surely left the memorable impression for attendants, but after the event, the one who had the event will realize that there are more important things that needed
money
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. Health budget is really important to consider first before we want to hold a big
celebration
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 on special day, because it is no need to have glamorous event if you are sick or have critical health issue.
On the other hand
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, the impressive
celebration
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 on the special events are important for several
people
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 especially young generations, because it is only happen once a year or once in a lifetime.
For instance
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birthday
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 party only happens once a year, it is the moment when
people
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 highlight their
life
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 achievements, reflect their past, and hope for the future. Specifically, the 17th
birthday
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 party is included important or as a check point of the transition from the child era to teenager.
Marriage
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celebration
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also
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 means the same, it only happens once and is included the biggest milestone of someone's
life
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 journey. As summary, I will say that the
celebration
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 for special occasions are worth to held, but it is
also
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 have to consider the budget allocation for other crucial things in
life
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay would benefit from clearer organization. Try to explicitly separate each argument into distinct paragraphs, and provide a clear opening and closing statement.
task achievement
Consider expanding on your points with more detailed explanations and examples. This would strengthen your arguments and provide clearer insight into your perspective.
task achievement
You demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic and provide arguments for both sides, which is essential for addressing the task.
task achievement
You made a good attempt to include examples, such as the significance of the 17th birthday celebration and marriage as milestones, which adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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