IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below compare the water levels of six cities in Australia during October 2009 and October 2010. Provide an overview of the information by identifying and describing the key details, and include comparisons where appropriate.

The graphs below compare the water levels of six cities in Australia during October 2009 and October 2010. Provide an overview of the information by identifying and describing the key details, and include comparisons where appropriate.
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The bar chart illustrates the change in the levels of
water
Use synonyms
 in reservoirs in six
Australia’s
Change noun form
Australia
show examples
cities
Use synonyms
 between
October
Use synonyms
 2009 and the same month in 2010
Overall
Linking Words
, as can be clearly seen from the graph, the
water
Use synonyms
 levels in 6
cities
Use synonyms
 fluctuated during the given period of time from
October
Use synonyms
 2009 to
October
Use synonyms
 2010.
While
Linking Words
 the levels of
water
Use synonyms
 in Darwin witnessed a significant drop, the opposite trend was true in other
cities
Use synonyms
, except Brisbane, where
keep
Verb problem
it remained
show examples
 unchanged.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Canberra had replaced
Sydney
Use synonyms
 to become the city with the highest percentage of
water
Use synonyms
 rank in its reservoir by the end of the period. In
October
Use synonyms
 2009,
Sydney
Use synonyms
 and Canberra had more
water
Use synonyms
 than any
Use synonyms
cities
Correct word choice
other cities
show examples
. In terms of
Sydney
Use synonyms
 figures, the percentage of
water
Use synonyms
 reservoirs is the highest
with
Change preposition
at
show examples
 around 75% and increased gradually
approximately
Change preposition
to approximately
show examples
 5% in the same month in the next year. After one year, the data reach the highest point of Canberra
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 95% of
maximum
Correct article usage
the maximum
show examples
. In Perth, the proportion of
water
Use synonyms
 level
shoot
Wrong verb form
shot
show examples
 up considerably from 40% to nearly 70%. There
also
Linking Words
 was a moderate decline in Melbourne. After one year, the capital city took the lead, with its
water
Use synonyms
 level increasing to a high of close to 100% of the total storage capacity.
Sydney
Use synonyms
 and Melbourne followed similar trends, rising to 80% and 40%, respectively.
This
Linking Words
 contrasts starkly with the data for Darwin, where a fall to roughly 25% was reported, and
lastly
Linking Words
, the figure for Brisbane stayed the same.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words water, cities, october, sydney with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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