IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

University students should pay in full for their own education instead of the society funding their studies. The reason is that individuals tend to benefit after graduation more than society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion.

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Nowadays, a significant number of individuals including myself , strongly agree with the statement that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 should pay for their
education
Use synonyms
 from their own pocket because after university young adults have a bigger amount of benefits
Linking Words
then
Replace the word
than
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 their community. To my
mind
Add a comma
mind,
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 it is honestly, but
in
Change preposition
on
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 the other hand, it is completely. In
this
Linking Words
 essay I would like to explore
this
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 phenomenon in more detail, supported by relevant examples. During the past
decades
Add a comma
decades,
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 we can observe that a huge number of students wanted to learn to budget. The reason for
this
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 situation can be the value of
education
Use synonyms
,
as well as
Linking Words
social
Correct article usage
the social
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situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
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 in the country. I think, if the government can help
people
Use synonyms
 to get an
education
Use synonyms
 in their university, they should do it. In
this
Linking Words
situation
Add a comma
situation,
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 the administration
also
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 has benefits
such
Linking Words
 as more knowledgeable employers.
Moreover
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, the majority part of
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 students will work in
this
Linking Words
 area in future. On the other point of view, persons who pay for their
education
Use synonyms
 are more responsible for learning. As I know here, in the US, if teenagers and their parents don’t have enough money for
education
Use synonyms
, the government can give them credit for it.
Then
Linking Words
, after graduation, young adults will return
this
Linking Words
 amount to the bank.
For example
Linking Words
,
the
Change the word
my
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 best friend
of
Change preposition
apply
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mine
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
hi
Correct your spelling
he
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 is from
poor
Add an article
a poor
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 family but thanks to
this
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 program he
have
Change the verb form
has
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 a good
education
Use synonyms
 and
Correct article usage
a perspective
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perspective
Correct your spelling
prospective
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 job with
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
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 income. I strongly agree that
this
Linking Words
 idea is more correct and adequate. It helps
people
Use synonyms
 to have comprehensive knowledge without
parent’s
Fix the agreement mistake
parents’
show examples
 support. What is crucial for a lot of
people
Use synonyms
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 I would like to summarize that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 should have payment responsibility for their
education
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 resolution will help the majority of students to get their degree.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could be clearer in outlining your stance on the issue. A definitive statement indicating the extent of your agreement or disagreement would strengthen it.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your second paragraph lacks focus on the advantages for society of funding education. Make sure each paragraph addresses a clear main point that supports your thesis.
Task Achievement
Expand on your argument in the third paragraph regarding personal responsibility in learning. Providing more detail or examples will help clarify your point.
Positive Aspect
You provide a personal example that adds authenticity to your argument about funding education.
Positive Aspect
The essay is structured with clear paragraphs, making it easy to follow your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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