IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the provision of healthcare is the responsibility of the state, while others believe the individual to be responsible for the costs of their own healthcare. To what extent do you agree or disagree with these perspectives?

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a number of
people
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 believe that the supply of medical services is the obligation of the state,
whereas
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 some
people
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 think that it is the responsibility of individuals. I completely agree with the statement that underlined the energy service is the task of the
government
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 to provide to their citizens as
people
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 are being taxed for
this
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 particular service.
Consequently
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, the
system
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 that the
government
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 builds to assure the well-being of the public is undeniably important for daily activities. the healthcare
system
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 is mandatory for the
government
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 as they collect tax funds from
people
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.
Furthermore
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, it is a form of international norms which instruct the state to provide several basic needs for the
people
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, including health services.
For instance
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, a legal medical practice must have been legalized by the authorities which, in the process of legalization, uses public funds.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 is absolutely in charge of providing a legal medical
system
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. It is
also
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 noteworthy that the
system
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 that the authority has designed is critical for community activities.
Moreover
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, it is almost impossible for
people
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 to participate actively in public if they are living in unhealthy conditions.
For example
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, a worker in rural areas who does not have immediate medical attention will gradually suffer from their injury.
Thus
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, the existence of well-being is crucial for the public,
not to mention
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 the impact on public officials themselves. In conclusion, the public authorities must hold the hardiness scheme
because
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apply
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for two main reasons.
First,
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people
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 are paying taxes for health care.
In addition
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, the medical arrangement is extremely important for all members of the society.

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task achievement
Make sure your argument is consistently clear throughout the essay. While your stance is evident, some points could be elaborated further to enhance the clarity of your position.
coherence and cohesion
Consider improving the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using more linking words or phrases to guide the reader.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or data to support your points. The examples you provided were relevant but could be expanded for a stronger argument.
task achievement
You have made a clear statement about your viewpoint, showing a strong opinion on the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of varied vocabulary is commendable, which helps in expressing your ideas effectively.
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