IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Doctors, other health workers and teachers make great contribution to the society and so should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebraties. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is a highly controversial statement which suggests that
professionals
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as doctors, teachers, and other
health
Use synonyms
 workers should be paid higher salaries than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainment and sports celebrities. I, personally agree with
this
Linking Words
 view as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
noble
professionals
Use synonyms
 make a huge difference in society and make
a reasonable contributions
Correct the article-noun agreement
a reasonable contribution
reasonable contributions
show examples
 to
health
Use synonyms
 and other categories to build a strong
nation
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, all
professions
Use synonyms
 should be respected and categorised in the way they contribute their value to help the community. Doctors, teachers and other
health
Use synonyms
 workers are essential parts of the
nation
Use synonyms
 as they put their efforts and expertise into maintaining balance and providing ultimate good
health
Use synonyms
 to the people which leads to a strong
nation
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, in some countries, their
professions
Use synonyms
 do not allow them to meet valid wage criteria as per their knowledge and contribution which is unfair to them.
For instance
Linking Words
, In Pakistan,
health
Use synonyms
professionals
Use synonyms
 do not get enough salary to meet their daily needs
whereas
Linking Words
 celebrities get more attention and privilege
instead
Linking Words
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, celebrities and sports
professionals
Use synonyms
 who get more respect and higher salaries without attributing to society are not recommended as in youth, it spreads the wrong message that rather
focussing
Change preposition
than focussing
show examples
 on studies and choosing
health
Use synonyms
professions
Use synonyms
, they end up getting themselves into entertainment industries to get unwanted attention and handsome wages without any hard work or degree.
For example
Linking Words
, Youth nowadays
intimidated
Add a missing verb
are intimidated
show examples
 by YouTubers and sports personalities and
dreamt
Correct your spelling
dream
show examples
 of becoming one at a very young age to get fame and money.
To conclude
Linking Words
, youth should know the clear difference between various
professions
Use synonyms
 and their contribution to society.
Hence
Linking Words
, to lead a healthy and educated
nation
Use synonyms
, the government must set a particular wage criteria for each professional considering their knowledge, expertise, and how they attribute their values to serve the
nation
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your introduction presents your opinion clearly, consider refining the thesis statement to reflect a more structured argument. Clearly outline the main points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
In the body paragraphs, ensure that your points are more distinctly separated and well-developed. Each paragraph should focus on one main idea, elaborated with supporting details.
task achievement
Although you provided examples, some were a bit unclear or could use more detail to enhance the impact. Strive to connect your examples directly to your points to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Your introduction contains a clear opinion and effectively outlines the topic of discussion.
task achievement
You've shown understanding of the impact of professionals versus celebrities on society, which is relevant and shows critical thinking.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the main arguments effectively, reinforcing the message of your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • contribution
  • society
  • public health
  • education
  • compensation
  • essential services
  • disproportionate
  • talent attraction
  • quality of services
  • societal impact
  • profession
  • market demand
What to do next:
Look at other essays: