IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People live longer in some part of the world. What do you think is the reason of this? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

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There are some countries where
people
Use synonyms
 have longer
life
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 expectancies for several reasons and ways. In
this
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 essay, I will explain those reasons.
First,
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people
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 live longer than others because of a proper diet; they tend to eat only healthy foods like vegetables and fruits. They tried to avoid meats or too much carbohydrates in their meals.
Therefore
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, most of them have a thinner body and much stronger muscles than the others.
Also
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, they perform daily exercises as part of their daily habit.
For instance
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, simple walking every 30 to 40 minutes in nature can add up to our
life
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 span. It reduces the stress and anxiety of the individual.
Furthermore
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, a good environment is one of the factors too; being surrounded by great and inspiring
people
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 can heal mental health and bring joy to
life
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.
However
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, living too long is not a good thing for some
people
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, they will worried
who
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about who
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 will take care of them when they get old. They are afraid that their loved ones may turn them down
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and put them in old age
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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. For that
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
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of
Change preposition
apply
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, everyone in the family members have it's own priorities.
To conclude
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, having a longer or shorter
life
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 doesn't matter as long
you
Correct word choice
as you
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,
fulfill
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fulfil
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 your purpose and make your
life
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 worth living, every
seconds
Change to a singular noun
second
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 that we are here in
this
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 world, is a precious thing we need to appreciate
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and never take
it
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apply
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for granted. But having a long
life
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, and
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
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 it with loved ones is the most precious moments that we can have if we have a healthy lifestyle.

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task achievement
Your introduction effectively outlines what the essay will discuss but could be made more engaging with a clearer thesis statement. Consider expanding it to state your views more explicitly.
task achievement
Your points are generally relevant, but some areas could benefit from more development or specific examples. For instance, further explanation of how diet contributes to longevity would strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly separate your ideas into distinct paragraphs with topic sentences. This will help improve the logical flow of your argument and make it easier for the reader to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check your use of punctuation and connection words, as some sentences run on or could be clearer with better transitions. This would help enhance the overall coherence of your writing.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion should summarize your main points more clearly and reiterate your stance on the issue, offering a final thought that leaves an impression on the reader.
task achievement
You effectively identified and explained multiple reasons why people in certain countries live longer, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your writing demonstrates a reflective insight into the potential downsides of living a long life, which adds complexity to your argument.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, like walking in nature, adds clarity to your points and engages the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • longevity
  • lifespan
  • preventive medicine
  • chronic diseases
  • public health initiatives
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutrition
  • wellness
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • demographic shift
  • geriatrics
  • social security
  • sustainability
  • overpopulation
  • quality of life
What to do next:
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