IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Too much emphasis is given to education on the young. More government money should be spent on the free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, government funding has become a widespread issue among the general public. Some people believe that the government should give money to
the
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education
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.
However
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, it seems to me that investing in free-time
activities
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 is
also
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 important. The following essay will shed light on these viewpoints. On the one hand, it is essential to recognise the significant advantages associated with
education
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 benefits. A crucial consideration is that
education
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 opens the gateway to broaden horizons
,
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 and enrich knowledge.
This
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 highlights that youngsters can have a better understanding of different cultures and traditions.
For example
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, it is noteworthy that
education
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 is a powerful tool for fostering cognitive function
,
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;
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 students can analyse different situations and make informed decisions.
In addition
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, another important point to emphasise is that
education
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 serves as a beneficial solution to prepare for future employment and shape career paths.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that the study helps support the acquisition of specialised knowledge and technical proficiency.
On the other hand
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, it is crucial to examine the opposing viewpoint that free-time
activities
Use synonyms
 are
also
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 crucial. A noteworthy factor to consider that engage in free time
activities
Use synonyms
 is the great way to promote social skills
,
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 team work. Which emphasize that youngsters can develop effective communication and collaboration skills.
For instance
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, one might refer to free time
activeness
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as activeness
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 plays a vital role in helping students know how to handle challenging situations and resilience, which illustrates the potential associated with
this
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 perspective.
Furthermore
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, it is essential to understand that outdoor
activities
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 pave the way for providing a necessary outlet for stress , which plays a significant role in
this
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 discussion.
This
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 assertion is supported by the fact that youngsters can make new friends, encourage a healthier lifestyle and time management to lower stress levels when spending many hours on learning. Thereby providing a clearer understanding of the complexities involved. In conclusion, both learning methods are beneficial for students.

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task response
Answer the question more clearly. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this clear in all parts.
task response
Add a stronger ending. Your last line is too short and does not clearly restate your view.
task response
Use more direct examples. Your ideas are relevant, but the examples are general and not very clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea easy to follow. Some sentences are long and hard to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way. Some linking words are used too much or in an odd way.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection. A few parts do not join well, like sentence fragments.
task response
You discuss both sides of the topic, so the essay covers the main issue.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
Most ideas stay on the topic of young people, education, and free-time activities.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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