IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Too much emphasis is given to education on the young. More government money should be spent on the free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is an ongoing debate regarding the benefits of
education
Use synonyms
 for young
people
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 . A group of individuals believe that governments should prioritise academic learning .
However
Linking Words
 , others argue that many relaxing
activities
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 are
also
Linking Words
 crucial for young
people
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 .
Therefore
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 , ahead of my
opinion
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 , both views will be discussed
further
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 Examining the former
opinion
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 , the primary argument the supporters would put forward is that
education
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 plays a crucial role in preparing young
people
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 for future employment.
This
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 is because
education
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 gives students knowledge and qualifications , so it is a great
way
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 to create an opportunity to have a good job .
In addition
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 , they
also
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 believe that
education
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 fosters critical thinking . The reason is that students can learn how to analyse different situations and make informed decisions . It can serve as an efficient
way
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 to cultivate their
way
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 of thinking and widen knowledge for young
people
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 to promote personal and professional growth
On the contrary
Linking Words
 , those in favour of the latter
opinion
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 have their own arguments .
To begin
Linking Words
 with , they claim that
activities
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 play a crucial role in improving mental health .
This
Linking Words
 is because
activities
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 help reduce stress and pressure from academics, allowing young
people
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 to relax and maintain concentration .
Moreover
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 , free-time
activities
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also
Linking Words
 contribute to physical health . The reason is that they can spend time on sports and outdoor
activities
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 . It’s a great
way
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 to keep fit and stay healthy
To conclude
Linking Words
 and offer my position , there are convincing arguments both for and against the fact that too much emphasis is given to
education
Use synonyms
 on young
people
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 .
However
Linking Words
 ,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 certainly favour the latter
opinion
Use synonyms
 that the government should spend more free time on
activities
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 for young
people
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 . Simply because these
activities
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 play a vital role in mental and physical health for young
people
Use synonyms

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task response
Be sure to state your view clearly in the first paragraph and keep it to the end.
coherence
Use simple links to tie parts of the text. This helps the flow or guide the reader.
content
Add more specific facts or examples to back each idea.
grammar
Check spelling and grid of words to cut errors.
strength
The essay shows a clear final view and uses some good linking words.
structure
There is a proper paragraph plan with intro, body, and conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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