IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Too much emphasis is given to education on the young. More government money should be spent on the free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, the issue of
education
Use synonyms
 or free
time
Use synonyms
actives
Replace the word
activities
show examples
 has emerged as a matter of significant concern to the general public.
While
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 some individuals maintain that good development for youth is
education
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, I contend that
authority
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authorities
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 ought to invest in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertaiment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
activities
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 for
Add an article
the youngster
a youngster
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youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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.
This
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 essay aims to provide a comprehensive analysis of these differing
viewpoint
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viewpoints
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. On the one hand,
education
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 offers a wide range of advantages that extend far beyond mere academic knowledge. It equips individuals with essential knowledge and skills, preparing them for future employment by enhancing their qualifications and adaptability in a competitive job market.
Moreover
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,
Education
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 fosters critical thinking, enabling youngsters to analyze situations and make informed decisions.
Additionally
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,
education
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 plays a crucial role in shaping career paths, allowing the young generation to explore various fields and find their true passions. Ultimately, a well-rounded
education
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 empowers people to contribute positively to society.
On the other hand
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, free
time
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activities
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shouln't
Correct your spelling
shouldn't
 be
underestimates
Wrong verb form
underestimated
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. When young children are active outside a lot, it can pra offer social skills, learn to
worh
Correct your spelling
work
 with a team and increase creative thinking ability.
Moreover
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,
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
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encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
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teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
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 to live a healthy life,
building
Wrong verb form
build
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 a disciplined lifestyle,
time
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 management, and resilience.
Additionally
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, outdoor
activities
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 bring many a necessary outlet for stress, engaging in
activities
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 like running, yoga, swimming, or dancing can release endorphins, which are natural mood lifters.
To sum up
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, both
education
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 and free
time
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activities
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are play
Change the verb form
play
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 an important role in life.
However
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
there
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 should be a balance between studying and entertainment to not get bored.

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task achievement
Try to ensure that all points made in the essay are developed with clear reasons and examples. Some points mentioned, such as social skills from free time activities, could be elaborated further with specific examples.
coherence
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve overall clarity. For instance, phrases like 'shouln't be underestimates' and 'pra offer' have typos that may confuse readers.
coherence
Make sure to connect your ideas logically. Use linking words and phrases to guide the reader. Some paragraphs can benefit from clearer transitions between ideas to enhance flow.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view of the importance of education and free time activities for young people.
coherence
The introduction effectively sets the context and states your position clearly, which is important for engaging the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
What to do next:
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