IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Too much emphasis is given to education on the young. More government money should be spent on the free time activity of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent years, the issue of
education
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 or free
time
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activities
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 has emerged as a matter of significant concern to the general public.
While
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 some individuals maintain that good development for youth is
education
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, I contend that authorities ought to invest in entertainment
activities
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 for youngsters.
This
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 essay aims to provide a comprehensive analysis of these differing viewpoints. On the one hand,
education
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 offers a wide range of advantages that extend far beyond mere academic knowledge. It equips individuals with essential knowledge and skills, preparing them for future employment by enhancing their qualifications and adaptability in a competitive job market.
Moreover
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,
Education
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 fosters critical thinking, enabling youngsters to analyze situations and make informed decisions.
Additionally
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,
education
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 plays a crucial role in shaping career paths, allowing the young generation to explore various fields and find their true passions. Ultimately, a well-rounded
education
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 empowers people to contribute positively to society.
On the other hand
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, free
time
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activities
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 shouldn't be underestimated. When young children are active outside a lot, it can pra offer social skills, learn to work with a team and increase their creative thinking ability.
Moreover
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, playing outdoors encourages teenagers to live a healthy life, building a disciplined lifestyle,
time
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 management, and resilience.
Additionally
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, outdoor
activities
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 bring many a necessary outlet for stress, engaging in
activities
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 like running, yoga, swimming, or dancing can release endorphins, which are natural mood lifters.
To sum up
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, both
education
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 and free
time
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activities
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 play an important role in life.
However
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, there should be a balance between studying and entertainment to not get bored.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to illustrate your points, especially in the discussion of benefits of both education and free time activities. This would strengthen your arguments and make your ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that all sentences flow smoothly from one to another. For example, some transitions could be enhanced to improve the overall fluidity of your essay.
task achievement
Expand on the conclusion to reflect a more decisive stance regarding which aspect (education or free time activities) should receive more emphasis from the government.
task achievement
You effectively introduced the topic and presented a clear thesis statement outlining your position on the issue.
coherence cohesion
Your argument about the benefits of education is well-structured and logically developed, showcasing a strong understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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