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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that investing in healthcare is more important than education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some individuals are of the opinion that
healthcare
Use synonyms
 should
be received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
 more attention from
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 rather than
education
Use synonyms
. Personally, I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 suggestion
base
Replace the word
based
show examples
one
Correct your spelling
on
show examples
 several reasons are explained in
this
Linking Words
 essay. On the one hand, prioritising
healthcare
Use synonyms
 is significant
due to
Linking Words
 its
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
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 on society. In
these day
Change the determiner
this day
these days
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 and age, the demand
in
Change preposition
for
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healtcare
Correct your spelling
healthcare
 has increased
considerable
Change the adjective
considerably
show examples
because of the expansion of
population
Correct article usage
the population
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 and illnesses of older people. There are no investments in
this
Linking Words
 field leading to
the
Correct article usage
a
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 lack of medical facilities, people can not access the support of medical. They can not work and dedicate
to
Correct pronoun usage
themselves to
show examples
 society.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is essential for authorities to pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
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healthcare
Use synonyms
 to enhance the physical health of citizens and
society
Change noun form
society's
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 development as well.
Education
Use synonyms
,
on the other hand
Linking Words
, investing in
education
Use synonyms
 gives a number of advantages that are necessary for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to contemplate. Accessing
education
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 offers the sustainability of
human’s
Change noun form
human
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 life. When spending money on constructing and improving the facilities of
education
Use synonyms
, the teaching method will be increased, leading to the progress of students.
For instance
Linking Words
, accessing
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 system gives
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 more
chance
Fix the agreement mistake
chances
show examples
 to practice and experience circumstances effectively, leading to the profound knowledge of students, helping them to have good jobs,
hence
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, their quality of life will
improved
Change the verb form
be improved
improve
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 better.
As a result
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, government can invest money in other aspects,
such
Linking Words
 as infrastructure or even
healthcare
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are mixed opinions on determining whether
healthcare
Use synonyms
 or
education
Use synonyms
 needs to be invested more, I believe that striking a balance would yield an optimal outcome.
While
Linking Words
healthcare
Use synonyms
 is needed
due to
Linking Words
 the current societal changes,
education
Use synonyms
 offers a more sustainable path for development.

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your opinion. Consider rephrasing the first sentence for clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings; revising these will improve the clarity of your points (e.g., 'On the one hand...' could be followed more directly by evidence).
Coherence and Cohesion
The transition between discussing healthcare and education can be smoother. Use linking phrases to connect your ideas better.
Task Achievement
Try to provide specific examples or statistics to better support your arguments, especially in the education section.
Task Achievement
You presented a balanced view, acknowledging both healthcare and education, which is a strong approach.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and presents a nuanced view regarding the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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