IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. What are the most serious problems associated with obesity and what solutions can you suggest?

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The recent decades have seen a rise in the number of
children
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 suffering from
obesity
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 in many developed countries. Since
this
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 trend triggers some serious problems,
such
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 as
health
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 issues and drastic economic impacts, the joint effort of both the government and the public is required to address
this
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 situation as effectively as possible. Admittedly,
due to
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 advancements in
technology
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technology,
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 our lifestyle has become far more sedentary and inactive, which has led the world's population to become more overweight than ever before.
This
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 physical situation brings about some
health
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 risks, namely diabetes and cardiac disease,
For instance
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, a recent study at Harley University discovered that more than 60% of overweight American teenagers are suffering from type 2 diabetes, simultaneously.
Furthermore
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, these types of illnesses impose serious economic burdens on both families and governments.
In other words
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, great sums of money should be spent on curing these patients either in hospitals or on medicines. In consequence, some practical measures should be taken in order to control
children
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's
obesity
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 rate. First and foremost, governments can provide better recreation facilities in order to encourage
children
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 to participate in outdoor activities,
such
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 as basketball and swimming, rather than sitting in front of a screen for many hours in succession.
Moreover
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, implementing a public awareness campaign is another effective strategy to combat
obesity
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.
Although
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 raising awareness of the public to
this
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 matter is extremely demanding and time-consuming, the results are incredible. As a tangible example, England's Change4Life initiative educates families on healthy diets, promoting behaviours like consuming more fruit and vegetables
instead
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 of sugary products, which has gradually influenced
the
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apply
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young citizen's eating habits and their
health
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 issues. To summarize,
obesity
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 is one of the leading problems in many wealthy countries that has posed serious threats to
children
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's
health
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as well as
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 economic conditions.
Therefore
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, providing better social amenities
together with
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 a well-rounded education on a balanced diet, can be effective in controlling younger generations' weight problems.

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task response
The introduction clearly outlines the problem and the need for solutions, setting up the essay well. However, make sure to explicitly state the solutions in the introduction as it could strengthen your task response. For instance, mentioning 'improving recreational facilities' and 'awareness campaigns' in the introduction would provide a clearer roadmap for your essay.
coherence and cohesion
While your ideas are fairly well organized, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to the main thesis would further enhance coherence. For example, start each body paragraph with a strong sentence that tells the reader exactly what the paragraph will discuss.
task achievement
You effectively communicate the relationship between obesity and its health & economic impacts, using relevant statistics to support your points. This strengthens your argument and makes your essay persuasive!
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as the study from Harley University and the Change4Life initiative, adds credibility to your arguments and helps to illustrate your points clearly. Well done for including these specifics!

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • Type 2 diabetes
  • heart disease
  • asthma
  • psychological impact
  • self-esteem
  • bullying
  • depression
  • nutrition
  • balanced diet
  • physical activity
  • healthcare costs
  • economic consequences
  • parental involvement
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