IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree

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In recent years, many
foods
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 and beverages have been found to contain excessive amounts of
sugar
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, which can be harmful to human
health
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.
As a result
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, some
people
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 argue that
such
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products
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 should be banned or made more expensive.,
While
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,Other
peple
Correct your spelling
people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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oppose
this
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 idea. I agree with the notion that sugary
products
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 should be taxed or
band
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banned
show examples
 because the rates of obesity and other
health
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 problems have been rising steadily. Taking serious steps to address
this
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 issue is essential.
Moreover
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, imposing additional taxes on sugary goods could encourage consumers to choose healthier alternatives. On the one hand, excessive
sugar
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 intake is linked to numerous
health
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 problems.
Firstly
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, obesity has become a widespread issue, largely
due to
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 the
consumption
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 of junk food and soft drinks that are high in
sugar
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. In many countries,
people
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 increasingly rely on these unhealthy options, which are often more convenient and affordable than nutritious meals.
Therefore
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, governments should take serious action,
such
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 as imposing taxes on
such
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products
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, to decline their
consumption
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.
Secondly
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, children today are more likely to choose junk food over homemade meals because it is easily accessible and inexpensive.
For example
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, a survey found that around 80% of students consume high-
sugar
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products
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 in their school lunches.
Moreover
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, if individuals do not stop consuming excessive amounts of
sugar
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 in their diet, they may suffer from various diseases,
such
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 as diabetes.
For instance
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, around 70% of
people
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 worldwide are already suffering from diabetes by their 30s, which is not a good sign for society.
Additionally
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, adding extra costs to sugary
products
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 will likely influence
people
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's choices. Individuals often respond to incentives, and higher prices will reduce the demand for sugary
foods
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. The government has already implemented similar policies for cigarettes and alcohol, leading to a yearly decline in their
consumption
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.
This
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 tax would greatly benefit public
health
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, as
people
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 may replace unhealthy sugary
foods
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 with healthier options like fruits and vegetables. In conclusion, the excessive
consumption
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 of sugary
foods
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 and beverages is a major contributor to
health
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 issues like obesity and diabetes. To address
this
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 growing problem, imposing taxes on
such
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products
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 or making them more expensive could discourage their
consumption
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as well as
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 the government should ban some items that are harmful to human beings.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents your stance, but refining the phrasing would enhance clarity. Ensure that all punctuation is accurate to improve readability.
task achievement
While your arguments are relevant, providing more specific examples or statistics could strengthen your case. Consider elaborating on points for better comprehension.
coherence and cohesion
Some transitions between ideas could be more fluid. Use linking phrases to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay effectively highlights the public health issues related to sugar consumption, which is crucial to the topic.
task achievement
The concern for children's health adds a relevant dimension to your argument, showing a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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