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Band 5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory in high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). Do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #school #programs #charity #neighbourhood #sports #children
Recently, people have paid attention to the necessity of high
school
students
 working on volunteer activities
such
 as working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to children in their
school
 programs.
This
 essay will discuss
this
 general trend and provide the author's opinion. First and foremost, working on
such
 activities can be
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for secondary
school
students
.
According to
 research on
correlation
Add an article
the correlation
show examples
 between the number of
such
 experiences and their attitude toward studying their subjects, it says that the more unpaid
community
 services they experience, the more they are trying to
study
 their subjects
for making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
 society better.
This
 is because, through working on something for others, they will come to connect their experiences to what they are learning at
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
As a result
, even after graduating from senior high
school
, they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
intend to contribute to where they live.
However
, there is a shortcoming as well.
For example
, especially in countries
such
 as Japan, which forces their
students
 to
study
 a lot, some
students
 cannot catch up with their assignments
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 other subjects like mathematics, physics and English.
This
 will lead to
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 increasing number of
students
 who cannot come to
school
 because they cannot keep up with their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
. That's why most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Japanese
students
 usually don't have
Correct article usage
the motivations
show examples
motivations
Fix the agreement mistake
motivation
show examples
in joining
Change preposition
to join
show examples
 volunteer
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
. In my opinion, we should
study
for making
Change preposition
to make
show examples
 society better, so it is absolutely necessary to find connections between us and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
community
which
Change preposition
to which
show examples
 we belong
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
before starting to work or
studying
Wrong verb form
study
show examples
 at higher educational organisations.
Therefore
, I strongly agree with the idea that unpaid
community
 service should be compulsory in high
school
 programs.
To sum up
,
although
 some people believe that younger generations should have more opportunities to work for their
community
 without any payment, in some countries, it is difficult to make it compulsory because schools impose too many
sttufs
Correct your spelling
stuffs
stuff
 on their
students
.
However
, we need to reconsider the importance of
such
 activities and take action to offer chances to them so that they can feel connections between them and their society.
Submitted by m.kiyosu1997 on

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task achievement
To improve in this area, focus on incorporating specific examples or statistics to support your points. This could add more depth to your arguments and will help to illustrate your points more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph's main idea is supported clearly throughout the paragraph. This will enhance clarity and reader understanding.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and sets up the essay well by outlining the topic and expressing your position on the issue.
complete response
You presented a balanced view by discussing both the benefits and challenges of making unpaid community services compulsory. This shows a good understanding of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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