IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while others think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Nowadays there are more and more
people
Use synonyms
 who are suffering from
obesity
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. Some may say that
this
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problem
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 is individual
while
Linking Words
 others might think that
this
Linking Words
 is the
government
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's
responsibility
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. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I am going to discuss both sides and give my point of view.
Firstly
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,
obesity
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 seems like a personal
problem
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, a physical
problem
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, but there are way more psychological factors that have an impact on it and sometimes that psychological effect can be a
problem
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 influenced by the
government
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. In many
countries
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countries,
show examples
obesity
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 is considered not as huge of a
problem
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 as is,
for example
Linking Words
, climate change.
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 the
government
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 does not give enough attention to it and does not share the point of view that it is important to help those who are suffering.
Instead
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
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they encourage fast
food
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 chains to spread more ads with
good looking
Add a hyphen
good-looking
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, but not healthy
food
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, which can cause
obesity
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.
In
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addition
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addition,
show examples
 it could be understood that
obesity
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 is a huge
issue
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 and the
responsibility
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 should be taken by the
government
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.
However
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, the
government
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 can not take the whole
responsibility
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 as it is an
issue
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 affecting not the whole country, but only some of the individuals. It is important to understand that
obesity
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 is a personal health
issue
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 and
people
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 who are dealing with it have to learn to take
care
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 of themselves. We can not live our lives as we would be in a kindergarten and the
government
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 was our teacher. Every person has to take
care
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 and take
responsibility
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 for themselves.
Furthermore
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, the authority to our decisions belongs to us: we have to understand that those fast
food
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 ads are important for those who produce them, but we do not necessarily have to buy that unhealthy
food
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 and eat it.
Therefore
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,
people
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 must learn to take
care
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 of themselves, help those who need it and not put all the pressure on the
government
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. In conclusion, the
government
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 should take some of the
responsibility
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 for those who
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
Use synonyms
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
, but
people
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 who have
this
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issue
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 should understand that it is only our duty to take
care
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 of ourselves and the ones we love.

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear argument and discusses both sides of the issue. However, make sure to strengthen your main points with more specific examples and details to enhance the depth of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
While the essay is logically structured, consider improving transitions between ideas and sections to enhance flow. Using cohesive devices will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction is clear, but try to include a more engaging hook or background information to draw the reader in. Similarly, ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance more strongly.
task achievement
The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument and presents a balanced view, which is commendable.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of varied vocabulary and sentence structures demonstrates an attempt to engage with the topic critically and thoughtfully.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
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