IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many fast food chains are expanding across the world into new countries. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvanteges?

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There is an ongoing debate about the expansion of
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
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food
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chains
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involves
Verb problem
apply
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in many countries around the world .
This
Linking Words
 writer argues that flexibility is outweighed by health disorders and
high cost
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high-cost
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 products. There is a disadvantageous factor that fast
food
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 can cause mental health problems
to
Change preposition
in
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 individuals.It cannot be denied that fast
food
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 is one of
people
Change noun form
people's
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type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
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 of
food
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,but
observes
Verb problem
eating
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 too much fast
food
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 will make you gain weight significantly which sometimes can be out of control.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
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 the fact that the more
food
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 you put into your body, the more calories you will gain,
while
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 calories are the main factor
of
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in
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 either losing or gaining weight.
Consequently
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, you will have to take more surgeries and
strictful
Correct word choice
a strict
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 diet whether you want to lose your massive body weight. Another disadvantage of having those
food
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chains
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 in
such
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 countries is the price of the
food
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.
This
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 is because of the fact that the company needs to pay tax
for
Change preposition
to
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 the government in countries in which they want to either
demostrate
Correct your spelling
demonstrate
 or sell products.
This
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 has led to a decision to increase the price in order to make a profit for the
food
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chains
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.
As a consequence
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, the
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
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 people buy
food
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, the less profit both
company
Correct article usage
the company
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 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 will get.Because of the taxes, very few companies sell in Asia,
such
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 as Jolibee, as reported in 2024, they make 100 million dollars in Japan,way
more
Change the word
apply
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fewer than in America. There is still a positive side to
this
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 trend is the flexibility of the
food
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chains
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.
Although
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 the price is a little higher than usual
food
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 or street foods, it cannot be denied that you can buy it
at
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apply
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anywhere ,anytime, maybe anything you want.
Also
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 ,with fast service, consumers just have to wait about 10 minutes can have their lunch or dinner which is faster than street foods. But,if the company don't improve the service, those
food
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chains
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 will be out of trend. In conclusion, the flexibility of those fast
food
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chains
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 is outweighed by the mental health problems and prices.

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Task Achievement
Try to clarify your thesis statement. It’s important to have a clear argument that reflects your position on whether the advantages of fast food chains outweigh the disadvantages. Consider rephrasing it to more clearly indicate your viewpoint.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and stays focused on one main idea. This will help improve the logical flow of your essay and reinforce your main points.
Task Achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to support your arguments. While you mention health issues and costs, including specific studies, statistics, or anecdotes could strengthen your position.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on the transitions between ideas. Using linking words and phrases can help the reader follow your argument more easily and create a smoother reading experience.
Task Achievement
You have demonstrated a clear understanding of the topic and presented relevant points regarding the disadvantages of fast food, such as health issues and pricing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a strong structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is essential for coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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