IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, childhood obesity is a growing problem. What are the reasons for this and what can individuals and governments do to tackle the problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, in many different parts of the world, there is a big problem which is obesity that has
spreaded
Correct your spelling
spread
show examples
 throughout children.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 problem
shold
Correct your spelling
should
 be
deal
Wrong verb form
dealt
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 with
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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seriously
due to
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 it is bad consequences like diabetes. Before jumping to the solutions that may limit
this
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 situation, we should know the cause of
this
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 medical issue. if we
stopped
Wrong verb form
stop
show examples
 the causes, the crisis will be limited as soon as possible. Without
doubt
Correct article usage
a doubt
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, one of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast
food
Use synonyms
, in recent research, the percentage of fast
food
Use synonyms
 consumers displays
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 ratio. So, the
government
Use synonyms
 should apply significant taxes on
this
Linking Words
 type of
food
Use synonyms
. when considering tax options, the
government
Use synonyms
 expect to elevate
Correct article usage
the economical
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economical
Replace the word
economic
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 level with
limitation
Fix the agreement mistake
limitations
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in
Change preposition
on
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 unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
consuming
Replace the word
consumption
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. Another approach
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
take
Wrong verb form
be taken
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 by the
government
Use synonyms
 is
by restricting
Change preposition
to restrict
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 the children from visiting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
places that offer that kind of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
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, people
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
 should improve
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overall
Add an article
the overall
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 quality of their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 by using
modren technolgy
Correct your spelling
modern technology
such
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 as
calories
Change the noun form
calorie
show examples
 calculator programs. if they
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
follow the
guide line
Correct your spelling
guideline
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 of their energy intake, they will not suffer from obesity. At the same time, the parents have to take
a real steps
Correct the article-noun agreement
real steps
a real step
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 with their children, as preventing a high
colaries
Correct your spelling
calories
food
Use synonyms
. I
remeber
Correct your spelling
remember
 when I was a child, my mother
was not allow
Change the verb form
did not allow
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 me to
ate
Wrong verb form
eat
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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candies, for that reason I
had
Verb problem
did
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 not
suffered
Wrong verb form
suffer
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 from
wieght
Correct your spelling
weight
 gain problems.
To sum up
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, increasing weight in recent years shows
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
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 spread through the global
populations
Fix the agreement mistake
population
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, and rules of the
government
Use synonyms
 to
fights
Wrong verb form
fight
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this
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 not sufficient. In my view, people should
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 by controlling what they eat to avoid many diseases.

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coherence and cohesion
Provide a clearer introduction outlining the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
language accuracy
Ensure to use correct verb forms and tenses throughout your writing (e.g., 'spread' instead of 'spreaded', 'should be dealt with' instead of 'shold be deal with it').
task achievement
Expand on your ideas with more developed arguments and examples to better illustrate your points.
task achievement
You have identified both individual and governmental actions to tackle childhood obesity, which is a key part of the task.
task achievement
Your personal example adds a relatable touch to your essay and supports your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • balanced diet
  • fast food
  • sugary snacks
  • physical activity
  • nutrition education
  • health campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • government regulations
  • home-cooked meals
  • extracurricular sports
  • digital entertainment
  • sedentary behavior
What to do next:
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