IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Sales companies should recruit people who are hungry for money as they will make the most dedicated workers. Do you think money is the driving for behind hard work? What factors should be taken into consideration when recruiting staff for sale position?

Some
people
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 believe that
sales
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 companies should employ workers who are strongly motivated by
money
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 because they think
such
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people
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 will
work
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 harder. Others argue that
money
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 is not the only reason behind hard
work
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.
This
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 essay will discuss whether
money
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 is the main
motivation
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 and what factors should be considered when recruiting
sales
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 staff. On the one hand,
money
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 can be a strong driving force behind hard
work
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, especially in
sales
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 jobs. Employees who want to earn more
money
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 may try harder to achieve their targets and increase company profits. Commission-based salaries
also
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 encourage workers to improve their performance.
As a result
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,
people
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 who are motivated by financial rewards may be more active and competitive in
sales
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 positions.
On the other hand
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,
money
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 is not the only factor that motivates
people
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 to
work
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 hard. Some employees are driven by job satisfaction, personal interest, or opportunities for career growth. In
sales
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 positions, skills
such
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 as communication, patience, and confidence are
also
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 very important. A person who is only interested in
money
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 may not perform well if they lack these skills or lose
motivation
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 when results are slow. In my opinion,
while
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money
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 is an important
motivation
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, it should not be the only factor considered when hiring
sales
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 staff. Employers should
also
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 look at experience, personality, communication skills, and attitude toward teamwork. Choosing employees with a balance of
motivation
Use synonyms
 and ability will help companies achieve better long-term success.

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task response
Make your main idea clear in the first paragraph and restate it in the ending paragraph.
content examples
Add real calm facts or small examples from sales, like how money alone may not help when the target is slow, to add proof.
coherence improvement
Use one main idea per paragraph and start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence.
coherence improvement
Use simple connectives to show flow between sentences and keep sentences not too long.
balance feedback
Check that you talk about both sides enough and end with a clear view.
strength
Clear stance and balance of ideas are shown.
strength
Good use of linking to connect ideas.
strength
Structure is present with an introduction, body, and conclusion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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