IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

People have longer lives than we used to have in multiple countries.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon comes with benefits and drawbacks for the increase in
Correct article usage
the aging
show examples
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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population
Use synonyms
, leading to a discussion about the
comparision
Correct your spelling
comparison
 between these two aspects. In my opinion, the elderly
creating
Wrong verb form
create
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positive
Correct article usage
a positive
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 impact
Use synonyms
societies
Change preposition
on societies
show examples
 in two ways.
First,
Linking Words
the senior acquires precious life
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
 which is valuable to be passed down to the next generation. Not only for the knowledge but the history
could
Correct pronoun usage
that could
show examples
 be taught by them. They have experienced the
societies
Use synonyms
 we don't have the chance to see in
preson
Correct your spelling
person
.
However
Linking Words
, we can record them with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern technology to memorize the the passed events which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 meaningful to teach
schoolchild
Fix the agreement mistake
schoolchildren
show examples
 how we as
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 get into the world and different cultures in countries around the world and
Correct article usage
the ritual
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ritual
Fix the agreement mistake
rituals
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 we have now.
In addition
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, the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 serve as
extra
Add an article
the extra
an extra
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 workforce. Despite the average longer lifespan for
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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, the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of workers
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 declining. The factors of economic consideration and individualist
concept
Fix the agreement mistake
concepts
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 becoming the mainstream trend among
societies
Use synonyms
, fewer and fewer newborn babies in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent years, leading to the
probelm
Correct your spelling
problem
 of
inadequate
Change the article
an inadequate
the inadequate
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 number of employees in the workplace.
Therefore
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,
Add an article
the aging
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aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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population
Use synonyms
 could become the source of maintaining the source of the employment market.
For example
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, there are increasing
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
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of
Change preposition
for
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 hiring the elderly to provide the workforce for the clerks in
supermarket
Fix the agreement mistake
supermarkets
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, chain
store
Fix the agreement mistake
stores
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, and even convenience stores.The extension of
employment
Correct article usage
the employment
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 age is one of the methods to tackle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the problem of
insufficient
Correct article usage
an insufficient
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 workforce. The
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 bring disadvantages as well. If the health of the elderly wasn't affordable to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work, they might
cause
Verb problem
have
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 a lot more
resource
Fix the agreement mistake
resources
show examples
 to provide medical assistance and people to take care of them. Under
such
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 circumstances, there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 fewer benefits to gain from the growing
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
.
Overall
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, I think if most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people maintain healthy
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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,
then
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
seniors wouldn't be
burden
Add an article
a burden
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 to
the
Replace the word
society
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societies
Use synonyms
. They become
treasure
Add an article
a treasure
show examples
 for the development of human history
instead
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.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph has a clear main idea and that supporting points are clearly developed. Some points in this essay could be expanded for clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines your viewpoint and the key points you will discuss. The connection between ideas should be more seamless, for example using linking phrases.
Task Achievement
Add more specific examples to support your main points -- this strengthens your arguments and demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Work on grammar and spelling to improve clarity, particularly in areas like 'comparision' (which should be 'comparison') and 'wasn't affordable' (which should be 'isn't sustainable').
Task Achievement
You provide a balanced view by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an ageing population, which reflects critical thinking.
Task Achievement
Your essay covers relevant topics such as the transfer of knowledge from the elderly and their role in the work environment, which are great points of discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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