IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The relationship between family members in modern society is not as close as before. Please give reasons and express your thoughts.

With the happening of various situations, the relationship between family members is not as close as before.There are several reasons for
this
Linking Words
 problem’ cause,
such
Linking Words
 as the high pressures from work and school which make it difficult for families to spend warm
time
Use synonyms
 together. First of all, the pressure of social competition is extremely high currently. Many adults have to wake up early and return home late
for earning
Change preposition
to earn
show examples
 money
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the whole family.It means they do not have enough
time
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 to take care of their
children
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, they often face heavy stress in their jobs, which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them exhausted
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. Sometimes, they even put their
frustrating
Replace the word
frustration
show examples
 on their family members, which
creating
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
 a negative environment for the home. The lack of communication
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the relationship worse over
time
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, schools put a lot of pressure on
students
Use synonyms
 nowadays. It
harm
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harms
show examples
 both their physical and mental health for the
students
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, school bullying is becoming a normal incident because of the competition.
However
Linking Words
, because many
parents
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 are too busy to pay attention to their
children
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’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and emotions, many
children
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 choose to hide their feelings. Over
time
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,
this
Linking Words
 may lead to depression or other psychological disorders.
For example
Linking Words
, many
students
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 suffer from mental health issues
due to
Linking Words
 stress, some
students
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 don’t want to go to school and some even want to end their life by
suiciding
Change the form of the verb
suicide
show examples
 in China. In my opinion,
this
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 situation is quite worrying. A strong family relationship is important for both
parents
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
, so families should make more communication which means the adults have to support kids’ emotions and life,
furthermore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 need to show their respect and care to their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Parents
Use synonyms
 need to spend more
time
Use synonyms
 with their
children
Use synonyms
, not just focusing on work.
While
Linking Words
 schools
also
Linking Words
 need to reduce unnecessary pressure.

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coherence and cohesion
Try to provide a clearer introduction that outlines your main points more explicitly. This will guide the reader through your arguments effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to provide smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas to enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Consider including more specific examples or data to support your points, as this will strengthen your arguments, especially in the context of mental health issues among students.
task achievement
In your conclusion, reiterate the importance of strong family connections and summarize the solutions you proposed to emphasize your message.
content
You have identified relevant social issues affecting family relationships, which is a significant and timely topic.
content
Your essay touches on both adult and children's perspectives, demonstrating a well-rounded view of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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