IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In the globalising era, many
parents
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 attend work to support their families. Some people believe that if both
parents
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 are engaged in employment, it will be beneficial to the families,
while
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 others disagree with
this
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 statement and say it can cause negative consequences for
children
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.
However
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, in my opinion, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
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 should seek paid employment.
This
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 essay will analyse the notion in the ensuing paragraphs. As we all are aware the price of basic commodities is on the uprise,and a rise in family income would assist the
parents
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 in managing their daily household budget. An increase in the family income is not only beneficial to the
parents
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,
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apply
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 but
also
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 to the
children
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. One main advantage is that the
children
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receives
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receive
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 better educational opportunities,
thus
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 securing a good future.
In addition
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,
parents
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 can provide good health care and living conditions to their
children
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, without compromising on nutritious foods. The
children
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 can participate in extra-curricular activities and families can go
for
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on
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 vacations and spend time together through leisure activities. A majority of
children
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 from the age of 4 attend school,
therefore
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parents
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 staying back at home without work to look after
children
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 do not heavily impact
on
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apply
show examples
their development.
Children
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 can learn at school, meanwhile
parents
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 can work to get paid.
On the other hand
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, one drawback that I could point out is that
children
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 between the ages of 0 to 4 may not get sufficient attention from
parents
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 as it is considered as the prominent time period for
kid's
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a kid's
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 emotional and cognitive development.
However
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, in many countries,
government
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the government
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 has taken initiatives to support
parents
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 with paid maternal leave. In countries
such
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 as Finland and Norway, women are entitled to paid maternal leave up to 3 or 4 years and men with 12-18 months. It is very clear that money plays an important role in the smooth functioning of a family. Considering all the factors mentioned earlier, I would strongly suggest both the
parents
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 earn.

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task response
The essay presents a clear argument in favor of both parents working, addressing both sides of the issue effectively. However, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of the negative aspects of dual-income families, especially in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Improving the link between paragraphs and ensuring that the ideas flow smoothly will enhance coherence. Some sentences could be connected better with linking phrases to show the relationship between points.
grammar and mechanics
There are some grammatical and punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent verb forms. A thorough proofreading would elevate the overall quality of the writing.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an effective introduction and conclusion, which positions the writer's opinion well.
task response
The examples provided, such as paid maternity leave in Finland and Norway, enhance the argument and show knowledge of relevant policies.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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